That communication is hard.
I’m home, I’m starting to experience the severe anxiety that usually comes after a work trip, and I am 3 for 3 this week! I had great receptions to both of my project presentations and succeeded in securing the permit my client needed to move forward with their business! It can be so hard to work with PTSD (it can be so hard to do anything with PTSD), and I am certainly in need of some calming and self-care, but I did it!
I’m on a work trip for two and a half days, and I have five pairs of shoes with me. My shoe bag is larger than my bag for everything else. This is not my norm.
And it’s a step forward for me, because I was raised to not be a problem, not have needs, not be an inconvenience, not take up space and not do anything that looks like self-care.
After a week in bed and in my pajamas because I wasn’t feeling well, it’s a big jump to travel for a couple of days for work and give multiple presentations of projects I’ve been working on. It’s not comfortable, and I’m already in “energy-saving mode”, my state of quiet withdrawal before I have to put on my public face and CHARM.
So I brought a bunch of shoes, including my running shoes in case I can make time for that and my furry house shoes, which are incredibly comfortable and comforting. The little steps to take care of myself and acknowledge that I need accommodation, no matter how small, are indicators of recovery.
I’m at the point that I’m celebrating every day that isn’t a dark hole. And today is another better day!
My boyfriend was telling me about someone he knew who has been actively posting his travels and adventures on social media, saying how awesome it is to have a job that can travel with you and he can work anywhere in the world.
This person also has a GoFundMe page now.
I’m not surprised, shit is expensive and life is hard work and often hands you unexpected (and expensive) circumstances. A few times in my life I’ve come to a point where I didn’t have anything, and I had to punt and start over and work my way back up.
I commented that not only was I never going to be a blogger that lives off of sharing my travels, I am also never going to be a CoverGirl model, and I am ok with that.
He asked why I thought that, and I responded that I know that. The camera does not like me. And I am way better in person.
I don’t want to spend time getting great travel deals or learning to take awesome photos or being a person that gets paid to go. I just want to go and do it my way, and I want to leave everything behind when I do. I don’t want to report in for followers to share my experience, I want to wander strange cities alone and pick cafes based on my mood and make the mistake of ordering mussels that it turns out I really don’t like at all and own up to the mussels I don’t like and the wine I didn’t much like either and not pretend that ILOVEEEEEEEIT!!!! Because I don’t.
I don’t watch the beauty tutorials or figure out cute new ways to style my hair. If I don’t want to think I don’t look good I avoid mirrors and walk out the door anyway. While everyone else is rocking perfectly shaped eyebrows, I’m annoyed at mine for being so unmanageable (I have crazy mountain man brows that are black with some blonde roots and some blonde hairs and I have medium brown hair… so riddle me that, Batman…) and I got really excited that my random selection of hot pink lipstick was in a stick that doesn’t require me to attempt lipstick three times before I give up and swipe it off then replace with chapstick.
I have no idea how to take a decent selfie, I just know that I hate being tagged in photos because they are never flattering, and I never try. I don’t stop my life for the perfect photo, and I don’t spend time on it. I don’t do weird things with my chin or my tongue to get a better look, and I have no idea where to put my glasses on my face so that they don’t cut my pupils off. And just like my lack of a perfect body, it’s not important enough to me to put energy into it. I like to put my energy into other things. And most of it goes to PTSD so it’s not like I have the bandwidth to work on looking good on a screen.
And I have no ill feelings toward people who do the things I don’t. I don’t think people are crazy for traveling for a living or shallow for having YouTube channels dedicated to beauty, I think they’re doing exactly what interests them and what they’re good at. I think they have tons of followers because what they are doing engages people and connects to them. I think it’s cool. And I think it’s not me. So I do me, and I’m ok with it.
No one said how bad it would hurt when I stopped numbing…
But it does, and there’s lots of noise and doubt in my head, and a low tolerance for chaos, and I’m struggling to get through work every day and to sleep every night.
This doesn’t feel better.
And still no one is stepping up to do this with me. They throw up their hands and don’t understand and leave me alone. Which is the worst. And why I stayed numb for so long.