Not As Planned

I’ve had two trigger episodes in the last week quite unexpectedly, which does not exactly put me in a great place to care for my family.

Very little of my last 5 days has gone as planned.

My brother’s surgery did not go as planned. They only got to one of the three fingers they were going to repair, and it did not have blood in the bone so they stopped after repairing that finger to wait for more tests to develop a new plan. Healing will take longer for him and may be more painful. A plate in one finger is painful enough. I am so thankful his surgeon does not take any shortcuts with his hands and is willing to wait for a better plan to address my brother’s injuries.

My Mom is very ill. She can barely get out of bed at the moment and requires care as well. She had the same illness last year and nearly died, so I’m a little on edge since I know this can quickly escalate to a hospital visit. She’s not up to care and parenting for sure, and this is an even more challenging time for her to be ill since my brother is in recovery and may be back in surgery in the next couple of weeks.

I had some obligations this weekend that thankfully did go as planned, since it turned out my attention was needed at home more than anticipated. I bailed out of one commitment early and no one noticed, which was great. I have some work things to show up to including an all day event on Thursday, which I don’t really see happening at this point. Shame, since I’ve been looking forward to it for months.

I’ve had two trigger episodes in the last week quite unexpectedly, which does not exactly put me in a great place to care for my family. I didn’t get half done that I had planned (changing my workspace, which was important on my to-do list for myself until all of this happened, getting in some exercise and yoga, etc.) and have been up way later and way earlier than I would like to be. Last night I slept on the couch because getting my butt up the stairs was too much. Fitbit didn’t register the 43 times I woke up, and I wasn’t even Xanax’d.

Thank goodness therapy was scheduled for this morning, and I had a safe place to vent about how I COULD NOT HAVE PLANNED FOR THIS, nor, really, did I feel prepared to deal with it all. Family illness is hard. Family communication breakdowns because family is ill is hard. Mental health challenges for the caregiver are hard. Putting my job on the back burner while two projects got strangely intense at the end of last week is hard.

I don’t have a “but” today. Not “it’s hard, but…” Not “it didn’t go as planned, but…”┬áNope. Just hard, and it could get harder. All I can do is my best, and I will use what I’ve learned in the last few months to take care of myself so I can take care of my people.

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