It’s TRIGGERED day 3, and I’m about to go grab some tacos with a friend, which means queso will happen, which means my simmering rage will have a possible outlet of hurling queso at an unsuspecting citizen. And I really like queso so it’s not like I say that lightly.
I’m about 2 weeks away from my Wreckiversary, but since I didn’t have trauma anniversary anxiety last year I was assuming I wouldn’t this year. I have been going into rage mode every evening for the last three days, including today, under completely different circumstances, so I’m a little stumped. I don’t often experience rage with anxiety, it usually comes from being triggered, which has seemed to be happening fairly frequently lately (to the point that I’m marking a calendar).
When I say “rage”, let me explain: all the emotion of rage and desire to verbally spew what is in my head (rage at everything and everyone without a specific target or circumstance that I can identify), and none of the action. As my therapist has noticed, I am very controlled. Plus I don’t want to be mean or hurt someone else. And it would shock the hell outta people because I don’t exhibit anger. Again, I’m very controlled.
I have been out and about in the evenings a lot lately, and I tend to stay home because I find it more comfortable. I’ve had obligations, and one of my homework assignments is to not take care of others, but rather to spend that time taking care of myself since I frequently compromise my well being to do things for others (I am not the person you have to remind to be nice or kind or help out, I am the person you have to tell to leave others to their own problems and stay out of it and don’t bring food because there will be plenty anyway).
I thought maybe my busy schedule, social and otherwise, was the culprit, but being at home tonight wasn’t keeping the growing rage at bay either, so I did the only thing a girl can do. I called one of my friends and went out for tacos and a long chat. It worked.