Wreckiversary #4

A 5k, lobster rolls, popcorn for dinner and some stroke-inducing college football.

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Four years ago today I lived. Since then I have done little beyond survive. I think that was ok, because I did survive, and now I get to start living.

I ran (hahahaha I mainly walked) a 5k with a large group of friends. Three of them placed (they actually ran), and we had a great fun time, kids, strollers and all. I missed my usual bagels since they had sold out by the time I got there, and the bagel guy told me that if I message him next time and let him know I’ll be late, he’ll keep a couple back for me. This is why I like to know the people who make my food! What a kindness!

Bagels a no go, I grabbed a couple lobster rolls from a food truck and headed home for pajamas and college football. I knitted, I ate popcorn for dinner, I am almost having a stroke over this game.

While it sounds nice – and is nice – these times usually bring up unresolved issues for me. I still struggle to find a peaceful lack of churning thoughts. Even last night I was very concerned about a payment that hasn’t made it into our mailbox. This morning I had a note from the client letting me know the check had been misplaced, but was now found and in the mail. I spent a good half an hour trying to fall asleep last night but wide awake over an issue that had resolved itself. It’s not just sleep, it’s any time I’m not “busy”. And those churning, anxious thoughts drag me back to previous coping mechanisms and conjure back up previous issues.

I’ll write more about it later, but I have a bunch of boomerangs in my life. People who come, leave, then come back, always on their own terms. I never know when they’re in or out, never know if they’ll respond or not, and when they will or won’t pop back up with an unexpected text message. I had one pop up last week, he’s already gone again.

WHY???

I invest emotions, energy and time into other people, so every time this happens I don’t just drop it, it affects me and it takes a few days for me to let it go and move on. You would think that since I know that about myself and know this about them that I would “know better”. Sure, except that I often want people to be better than they are, and I want them to treat me better than they do, but I don’t demand it because for years I was told in so many ways that I don’t have value. That has stayed with my subconscious, and I am just now learning why this is such a challenge for me to just cut people off. One more thing for my brain to churn on. And 4 years later, I am so proud that I can say that and look forward to a day when that and many other things are not so damn hard.

2 thoughts on “Wreckiversary #4”

  1. “Sure, except that I often want people to be better than they are, and I want them to treat me better than they do, but I don’t demand it because for years I was told in so many ways that I don’t have value”… THIS! This is exactly how I feel. No, this is not something that is easy or quick to get over or past. It is hard and I’ve found that it is still just a little different depending on the person and their relationship to you. The more important the relationship is supposed to be for me, the harder I’ve found it to let it go when it is toxic and harming me. All I can say is that it IS possible. Not easy. Not fast. ALWAYS hard. But… possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Over the last year I have really had to face up to this. I have a really hard time setting boundaries, probably because I have had people I trusted completely ignore them. I didn’t make those hard decisions before, so the closer the person, the more I like the person (yep, I like people who have been toxic for me), the harder it is now. I can, but it’s a process and one I have to stay conscious about.

      I think the other part of it is that I have really internalized the admonition to be nice to everyone, which is really not necessary for me. I need to be reminded to be nice to myself and not let other people treat me like I don’t have value. If they don’t, their call, but I don’t have to participate in it. One of the reasons I’m still in therapy… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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