I Finally Had an Open Conversation with My Mom

She accepts that I am not ok, and may never be.

My Mom had it hard growing up. I’ll likely never know how hard. She deals with things quietly and doesn’t often show emotion.

I am about as opposite as it gets, with one exception. I can act, and I can make anyone believe anything. Even her.

We had a long talk today. Yesterday I had multiple stressors, and it was all topped off by my notice that my health insurance premiums are increasing AGAIN by 21% while my coverage is decreasing by an average of 27%. Just try to justify the Affordable Care Act to me. I’ll destroy you and your paltry stance.

Yesterday was also the first time that “suicide” crossed my mind. Twice. Because I am tired of fighting a condition I can’t seem to beat. Tired of not feeling like I can achieve anything, that I can’t get ahead, that I can’t live the life I want. I have never been suicidal, and am not suicidal, but that was the first time I’ve had the thought. It scared me, and I prayed hard. I was able to tell Mom that had happened, and she completely accepted it with no judgement, just an offer to always be there if those thoughts happen again.

She acknowledged that what I have is real, that it’s exhausting and that it has changed my life. She thinks it’s ok if I have to tone down some of my ambition, if I push responsibility onto others. She also said that even though she doesn’t understand my work, she knows I’m really good at it. My Mom is one of the most talented and hardest working people I know, and that was a really uplifting compliment.

I’m reminded in this that God provides. He always has for me. He did today too.

9 thoughts on “I Finally Had an Open Conversation with My Mom”

  1. I don’t know to the full extent what you’re going through, but I’m sorry it’s been so rough you’ve even contemplated that thought! I’ve been down in the dumps before, it’s awful. It’s good that your mom was so understanding and supportive! That’s one of the most important things to have. I hope things start improving for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’ve had panic attacks and anxiety since I was 18, 4 years ago had a horrible car wreck and an relationship end in the same week which got me a PTSD diagnosis, last year my Mom almost died, this year my brother was horribly injured at work and Mom got sick again…through all of that I have never once had a thought that I wanted it to be over, so having that thought, however brief, scared me. After 4 years of mental hell my Mom is finally started to see and understand what I deal with, and I am so grateful that our relationship is improving like this. Thanks so much for your supportive words, I have found so much support in the blogging community, and I am so grateful that I don’t have to do this alone!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very welcome! And wow that sounds intense :/ I’m so sorry you went through all of that. That’s an awful lot to go through. And that definitely is scary to not have that thought until now. But I’m happy your mom is there for you! The best thing you can have is a support system from those close to you. And you definitely don’t have to deal with it alone! You can make it through it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I’m so happy that your mom understood and embraced what you’re feeling. That’s so brave of you to open up to her. At least now, you know that she’s there whenever you’re feeling that way again.

    You can get through it!! Things will get better, cliche as it may sound, but true 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes family is the last one to come around, and acknowledge different aspects of our lives. I’m glad your mom is understanding finally about your illness, and what you do. From personal experience, it’s a huge weight off your shoulders when they do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have started wanting to isolate, and I think being able to talk to her has kept me from doing that. It was honestly nice for her to tell me that sometimes the things that bother me seem crazy to her. I have a hard time telling what’s not normal anymore and I have no memory of who I was before, and she knows the traits I still have and the ones that are new.

      Liked by 1 person

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