Flashbacks in the Rain

I almost died in a car wreck that happened in the rain. For the most part (and thanks to EMDR and a lot of therapy) I don’t really have problems anymore when I drive. When I do, I have coping skills that work well. So today was a pretty big surprise when I was driving in the rain on my way to a meeting and started having flashbacks, not about my car wreck, but about the day of my brother’s accident. Clear as anything were the memories of getting the call from my mom, picking up his truck, sitting in the ICU waiting room unable to pray and barely able to hold it together, leaning on the prayers and shoulders of friends.

I’ve rarely had flashbacks of my own trauma, much less that of someone else. And while that day was traumatic for me, it hasn’t had nearly the impact that my own trauma has.

As I began to write this post, I also began to ask why and to process what happened this afternoon. I’m dreaming again… I’m processing again… I’m resolving trauma again.

I am done being afraid of the hold the past has on me. I’ve survived this much this long, and I can deal with whatever else boils up. But this was interesting, because as much as the flashback experience while driving on slick roads was not pleasant, it didn’t shake me. I’m now more curious about it, about where it came from and why that day?

I dream when I’m relaxed or when I am processing. Emotions, events – they all get run through my dream cycles in full color and epic drama. I don’t dream the exact thing, I dream versions of it, or nothing at all related. I started dreaming again this week after a long time off. My resting heart rate is slowly dropping, I’m a little more calm during the day and now memories are emerging that probably haven’t been dealt with. The human brain is fascinating.

Am I excited by this? Nope. Am I afraid of it? Also nope. Gonna deal with it and move on…

!!20170401_165514

 

8 thoughts on “Flashbacks in the Rain”

  1. Is that a picture of you?? Pretty! And you’ve really been through so much! Between your own accident and your brother having one? Damn. But I’m happy you can drive on slick roads without remembering your own, that you’ve overcome that much. It is some kind of progress, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! Yeah I don’t take selfies too often and I don’t think the camera flatters me, but that was a good day. It’s been way more than that the last 4 years, but definitely progress! We got snow tonight and it didn’t bother me really, which is a huge relief!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome! And don’t feel bad – I don’t think the camera flatters me most days either. I’ll be feeling good and then take a selfie – and it just does not look the same as looking in a mirror lol. But good! I like it ☺️ and progress is always good! And that’s also good! Sounds like you’ve definitely come a long way.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “I am done being afraid of the hold the past has on me.”
    I had a car accident and it was barely traumatic. I don’t drive anymore though! I need to be strong like you. ❤
    Cute selfie, btw!!

    Liked by 1 person

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