Client’s Brother and I started dating two weeks ago, and I’m already itching to sabotage our relationship. It’s easier than working through things.
There’s a movie titled Tora! Tora! Tora!, which was controversial for depicting both the American and Japanese sides of the Pearl Harbor attack, 76 years ago today. The title words are Japanese, roughly translating to “lightning assault”. It dramatized the events leading up to Pearl Harbor less than 30 years after Dec 7, 1941, and so many people were angry that the Japanese would be portrayed as anything other than heartless monsters. They were the enemy!
Broken relationships start wars.
Not all wars are one that scale. Some are much smaller. Some are with ourselves. I war a lot with myself.
Client’s Brother was supposed to let me know when he was free to hang out today, which he never did. I knew something was off, and finally asked if he was ok. Lots of reasons came tumbling out, resulting in him tackling a project and shutting out the people who have been clawing at him today. I didn’t get shut out, he was just less communicative than usual until I asked what was up. No problem, I’ve been there, and we had plans to meet up for my friend’s birthday dinner.
It unexpectedly snowed, and he didn’t want to make the drive. Totally fair, and I had already said I didn’t mind if he skipped dinner since he’d had a rough day. I called him on my way to dinner, and we talked for some time. He keeps talking when we’re on the phone. I don’t mean that negatively, it just surprises me that he wants to talk with me so much. Three hours last night when I finally said I needed to sleep. I had to get a table though, and didn’t want to be rude to the hostess so I said I’d call back.
In the time it took for me to be seated, he had gotten another call and said via text he’d cal me right back. That didn’t happen.
This is where I’ll insert that my abusive ex used communication – or lack thereof – extensively in manipulating me. Now that I’m clear of him and can see how he treated me I’m horrified. I’m also really skittish and it doesn’t take a lot to trigger my flight response. This is the only thing I’m aware of that is flight as not fight for me. I fought for a relationship once, and it nearly destroyed me. Now I’m ready to bounce with the slightest reason.
I texted a picture of dinner to him and he let me know his good friend’s aunt had just passed and he and his friend were both devastated. Life changes in a moment, doesn’t it? I expressed my sympathy and said of course he should go and I’d let him know when I got home. I’ll spare you the exchange, but I gave him space and he thanked me for it. Of course.
But I’m ready to bounce, or worse, sabotage this relationship before it even has a chance. It’s so much easier to just walk away than it is to deal with all the triggers, all the memories and all of the realization of just how much damage my ex did to me. I hate this. I hate that after two weeks this is where my head is. He’s been dealing with shit all day, is now in the middle of grief and loss and I’m ready to return to my ice castle. No thanks, I’d rather avoid further messiness in life, I’ll stay in my fortress.