A few weeks ago I bought a book on mindfulness on the recommendation of my therapist. No secret that I am not where I want to be mentally, and I have not been doing much in the way of things that are highly likely to improve myself and give me an edge in my ongoing battle with PTSD. I’ve been flat losing the battle the last couple of weeks. I think some days I don’t want it enough. It’s misery to wallow in it, but then sometimes I don’t know where to find the energy to push out. Yeah, I’ll confess I’ve been wallowing.
I opened The Mindfulness Toolbox last night while I was spending some quality time with anxiety. Sometimes just opening a helpful book is enough to give me a push forward. I liked the first tool so much – working through how you talk about mindfulness. The author pointed out that mindfulness or meditation can be hangups for people of personal or religious backgrounds that aren’t very open to those words, and offered a lot of other ways to think and talk about mindfulness. I was initially attracted to “take a pause”, but on reflection I realized that is exactly what I don’t want to do. Wallowing in anxiety is a pause – I put my life on pause to do that. If I am going to practice being mindful and really get to working on my brain, I don’t think I want to pause, I think I want to flow.
Have I mentioned that I really like this book? And that was just the first couple of pages.
I also did yoga when I got up this morning. Not “I’ll do it later” or “I’ll do it when I get this other stuff done” or “eh I’m barely in shape to hold a downward dog, maybe I can work my way back up to it”. No excuses, no wallowing, I just went for it…I think for the first time in almost 2 months?
Something clicked for me last night. Something lit up that said this wasn’t going to happen without intention, and no one is going to do it for me (duh, I have overall very little support, much less help, which I am pretty sure contributes to the wallowing). It’s also possible that I am experiencing the emotional distress that my therapist warned me was a possible side effect of going off the meds. That should be temporary, which is good news, but rough while it lasts, which is why it’s good I’m finally opening that book and getting on my yoga mat.