100 Days of Healing – Day 16

As I’m “catching up to now”, processing unprocessed trauma, one of the hardest things for me about processing trauma is reliving it. Having to feel things I didn’t the first time because I was shut down or unable to while I was trying to survive what was happening.

Last year my parents were going away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary early. They never went because my brother’s work injury happened on Thursday.

Fast forward a year and some change, and my parents are going a couple of towns over for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary. I am completely freaked out and have to stay close to home.

Because it’s a trigger. Because my brain tells me that my brother gets hurt when my parents plan to go out of town. If I go somewhere I won’t be available if there is an emergency. THERE IS GOING TO BE AN EMERGENCY.

This is now affecting my willingness to move forward with my travel plans, because I HAVE TO BE HOME THIS WEEKEND quickly turns into I CAN NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. I go through waves of panic the whole time I’m trying to calm myself and disconnect the things that don’t belong together – trauma and my parents leaving town.

I got four solid days of work in this week, and I’m glad for that because yesterday I had to retreat back into processing space to deal with this.

5 thoughts on “100 Days of Healing – Day 16”

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. Processing through a trauma is incredibly hard, and dealing with a trauma anniversary in the middle of the processing is even harder. I am glad you are trying to disconnect the trauma from the triggers. It is not happening right now.
    If you don’t mind me asking, are you working through any of this with a therapist? I know you’ve been listening to that audiobook, which is great, but I wonder if working on this with a trained professional in person, maybe someone with a trauma specialty, could help? No need to answer if you don’t want to for any reason.
    Also know that you are not alone. I am dealing with a trauma anniversary right now, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I certainly have a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for a little over two years. Most of that time has been disrupted by family crises, and this is the first time that I’m beginning to take ownership of my recovery instead of just talking about it once a week and occasionally reading something recommended to me.
      Thanks for sharing – this shit is hard! – but I am starting to see improvement and starting to live out what I am wanting to achieve, so I’m hopeful that I will stick with it regardless of what happens externally so that I can live more wholeheartedly.
      Thinking about you as you go through anniversary moments and I pray for calm and courage for you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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