Making the Most of What Little Free Time I Have

Since moving in with my grandma a month ago to care for her after she fell, I have very little free time. I stay with her 100+ hours a week, and am still working 40-50 hours a week. Last night was maybe the second time in a month I’ve slept in my own bed. It was wonderful. And it wasn’t nearly enough.

Skipping the exhausting experience of caring for an older relative for now, I’ve learned in the past month to live in the moments I have free. Rather than chaining myself to my obligations and responsibilities, I take every free moment, whether I’m in the shower at her apartment or driving to or from a project to just live. No mindless existence, sulking about how much has been thrown at me. No accepting my restrictions as unchangeable. Living. And enjoying it.

I’m packing as much into those free moments as I can, whether it’s meetings over coffee or blowing calories on Whataburger or sending birthday cards or getting my garden seedlings transplanted before the rain hits.

I am so limited. I refer to those 100+ hours as jail. But I’m finding freedom in the restrictions. I’m ironically thriving. My relationships are improving. I’ve maintained my weight (usually I pack on pounds during times of intense stress). I have plans. Not plans to travel or go to brunch or do the things that might typically be enjoyable. It’s smaller. More intentional. And so much more than I’ve done previously.

Coffee and Beer Aren’t Meals

I know I have a specific set of limits. If I don’t eat, my blood sugar drops and I get pissed at everything. If I don’t stay hydrated it’s a similar experience. If I don’t stay hydrated and I’m out in the sun I’m likely to vomit or pass out.

Drink water. Eat. It’s that simple.

So simple I forgot, so when all I had all day was coffee and beer and eventually some fried fast food garbage, I hit PTSD panic hard. Everything was bad, I couldn’t communicate, couldn’t figure out what I needed and couldn’t hit the pause button to stop and sort it out.

And I was pretty sure none of it was my fault.

Somewhere in the back of my head I’m probably resentful that I need that much effort to not go to pieces. I was busy and had a packed travel schedule, and didn’t want to take the time to do what I needed. Well, that’s going to have to stop.

I almost did it again this morning by not eating breakfast till 11 and then…

Drink water. Eat. No meltdown (at least not today).

Stalked, Again

I have no idea how that lunatic found me.

The horrible human who cyber stalks me found this blog – dozens upon dozens of hits DAILY. It’s taken about 6 months, but this week, in the middle of everything else I’ve been dealing with, the stalker found me.

I am horrified that someone can be so sick that they obsessively scour the internet for another person until they land on an anonymous blog. You have to be a terrible human to not listen when someone says NO. What a disgusting way to live and to be so harmful to another person.

Now something I enjoyed is something I want nothing more to do with. And I hate that, because I have so enjoyed the blogging community and y’all’s support of me, but this…it’s sad to leave.

Stalked – Get Off My Cyber Ankles

Girl, Bye.

I had another blog. I also had a cyber stalker. He was pretty obsessive about my blog, social media, work, etc. He actually created a fake persona and friended a colleague so he could interact with me. It took 6 months for me to figure out this person was actually a way for him to catfish me. Is that what they call it? It was annoying and frustrating and stole my energy, so I blocked the hell outta him, deleted my blog and put a curse on him (not really, I don’t know how). This is my new blog, my reset, my chance to do me in a new space without someone from the past who has a clinical delusional fantasy about me and who is trying desperately to hang on to my cyber ankles.

Good riddance.

Starting over has its down sides, but also a lot of up sides. I’ve had to start over a few times in life, and I view it as an opportunity. This time is an opportunity to have the blog I want based on some practice. I like it. Onward.

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