It’s Not Working

The motivation, the energy, the drive, the focus…it’s not there. What is there is the warm cocoon of my bed in the morning, which is much more appealing than what I feel like I’m facing every morning.

I lost a friend yesterday. I got that news shortly after I left the calmest come to Jesus meeting I’ve ever been part of. Said meeting was really hard, and I’m wondering if I need to start getting a little more loud and angry and a little less accommodating and understanding.

Am I trying to make it work or is it working for me?

I keep getting calls to revise a document that was fine the first time I wrote it. I don’t want to revise it anymore, it was not only fine the first time but good, and if you asked me to write it because you don’t feel that you have the ability, maybe just let me do this? It feels like that’s all work has been the past week, making unnecessary changes to perfectly fine documents I’ve written that do exactly what they need to do. I feel like I’ve wasted hours on this kind of thing lately, and I don’t want my time wasted like that.

Again, am I trying to make work work, or is it working for me?

At home, same thing, less of a question. It’s definitely not working for me. So I’ve been trying to make things work, and they really don’t. So those small changes are starting to lead to big changes, or I stay stuck trying to make it work. Which isn’t working for me.

Next Steps: Oh…Actually…I Don’t Know

I went through a process of being intentional about healing for 100 Days straight. It was transformative. I’m not wealthy, popular or traveling the world and living my best life with an Instagram account gaining 100+ followers daily, but I am wiggling out of the cocoon I wrapped myself in following my PTSD diagnosis. I’m fully engaged in work for the first time in a couple of years, and I’m starting to put myself out there. I was just notified that a conference proposal I submitted was accepted. A piece of legislation I wrote will be filed and sponsored. A report I wrote is generating real questions about accountability.

And yet I’m still crashing into bed by 9:30pm, not bothering to brush my teeth or get dressed unless I have to be somewhere, not exercising regularly and not able to put a grocery list together.

I’m listening to audio books to learn more about what I don’t know – how to successfully navigate relationships, my healing brain and being an entrepreneur. I’m reading more about what I don’t know for work – methodologies, law and best practices (and throwing out some of it because my experience tells me it’s not a very sound way to do things, then realizing I have the confidence now to make those calls).

I’m finding myself more attractive.

No really! When I look in the mirror now it’s a much more positive response. I’ve lost 12 lbs but let that stall out for the last couple of weeks before I go back to focusing on where I want to go next.

So the next thing, really, is to decide what’s next. But based on what is best for me, what brings me joy and what makes me excited to get out of bed most mornings, not based on obligations, responsibilities and the belief that I’m not enough. I am. Time to act like it.

It’s Rooted in Fear

You know the when you’ve been struggling with situations that you don’t really understand and are frustrated that the outcomes not only don’t match your expectations but you can’t really connect to the issue? Just me?

This week it’s been fear. The underlying issue in so many of the situations I’ve struggled through is fear. And I don’t immediately recognize it because I’m not connected to my center. I’m stressed, overwhelmed and straying from being present, so I can’t see it. Until I step away from the chaos, get a good sleep, take my time to wake up and…ah. There it is.

Fear.

Usually it’s me that’s fearful. This time it’s fear in others that I want to tackle head-on. I want them to be aware, to see it and to give it a name. And at some point it will come back to me, because choices will be made that will push me to choose, and fear will undoubtedly be part of the equation. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not enough? What will I do next? What if I get hurt? What if it gets worse?

I have stayed stuck by fear for a long time. As I push my way out of it and work to open up my life and myself to a way of living that isn’t based in fear, I’m learning how often fear is at the root of an issue, and trying to be aware so I can give it a name and release it.

Reminder to Breathe

I’ve been battling a city staff member on a project for a client for the last two days. I have yards of emails detailing out this person’s approach to the project, which has been to attempt to require changes and additions to an application in the hope that they will cause us to miss a deadline and be delayed. There is no good reason for it, the decision will be made by two separate bodies who must both agree for us to achieve our request. Which is within the parameters of what is allowed but by policy needs specific approval and two public hearings. And that’s fine, because that’s good policy. Demanding arbitrary language changes, changes of intent and attempted intimidation are not, and I have half a mind to read this person’s entire chain of emails aloud to city council.

A young man I babysat almost two decades ago and who was in a car wreck a few months after mine – and who was not as fortunate, is losing his battle with neurological damage and is in a coma following a cardiac arrest. He is not expected to live much longer, and his family is saying goodbye. I’m heartbroken. I’m still close to the family. I got the news in the middle of some of the most ridiculous of the city staff requests, which suddenly lost all importance by comparison.

But life goes on. My client’s goals and interests still go on. I go on. But I really needed to be reminded to breathe.

The Silver Lining

This morning did not start well. I had so much anxiety last night that I was dizzy every time I stood, and I couldn’t sleep enough to get out of bed energetically. But two things happened to turn that around for me.

I met with a graduate student I am mentoring through my alma mater’s former student network, and we not only connected well but my professional work and personal interests align well with hers, so it looks like I will be able to provide real benefit to her. I’m thrilled by that, because not all of the matches are so successful, and I want to give back. I think it’s important.

During that meeting I got a call from a client who wanted to discuss some plan changes, and who is really happy and excited by what I am producing for them. That was gratifying, and I’m really happy that I am helping someone turn their vision into an achievable goal.

I still don’t have much relief from the anxiety and being “on” half the day has been tiring, but the good is there, I acknowledge it and am grateful for it and I am doing the best I can to be responsible for the energy I bring into the room.

I’m Still Uncomfortable

I have been busting my ass at work on several challenging projects, and don’t have resolution on any of them yet. I am waiting on responses, waiting on meetings or not yet able to get to the work due to the slew of things on my plate right now. It’s a lot of uncertainty, and it feels like a lot is on the line.

I have a lot of uncertainty with my company right now because job openings keep coming through my email and I’m just not sure that it’s not better to quit what I’m doing and get paid to show up. Right now I show up and don’t always get paid (there’s a lot of boundary setting to do that hasn’t been done the last two years and I am just now able to see and acknowledge that).

I have a lot of uncertainty with relationships right now. I might have to take a break from therapy (thanks, insurance), my family is still sorting ourselves out after a lot of illness and injury and my experience living with PTSD continues to be challenging and limiting. What I want and what I have to work with aren’t matching up right now, and I haven’t managed to break through the barrier and constraints yet.