A word has stayed with me over the last year as I’ve endured one trial after another. Not one I chose or a “word of the year”, rather one that came to me, that I’ve grappled with, that expresses the complexity of my experience.
It is used in different ways in English. It means a few things to me.
First it was that I’d had enough. How much could a person endure? I’ve since learned not to ask that question. Then I wondered if I could do enough, if I had the capacity to do what was required of me. I’ve struggled with believing I am enough, that what I offer and what I can do is sufficient.
There aren’t many aspects of “enough” I haven’t contemplated, worked through, worked around and sought to understand. I’ve looked at the concept expressed in Scripture, linking the idea of fullness and completion to the concept of “enough”. It’s notably part of Jesus’s teaching on forgiveness – how many times do you forgive? Essentially, “enough”. He said 70 x 7, but those words were symbolic, not a literal 490.
I’ve been so challenged by this word. But I think the challenge is past and the practice is present. To live with “enough”, peacefully.
I’ve had enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
I have no idea how that lunatic found me.
The horrible human who cyber stalks me found this blog – dozens upon dozens of hits DAILY. It’s taken about 6 months, but this week, in the middle of everything else I’ve been dealing with, the stalker found me.
I am horrified that someone can be so sick that they obsessively scour the internet for another person until they land on an anonymous blog. You have to be a terrible human to not listen when someone says NO. What a disgusting way to live and to be so harmful to another person.
Now something I enjoyed is something I want nothing more to do with. And I hate that, because I have so enjoyed the blogging community and y’all’s support of me, but this…it’s sad to leave.
I had another blog. I also had a cyber stalker. He was pretty obsessive about my blog, social media, work, etc. He actually created a fake persona and friended a colleague so he could interact with me. It took 6 months for me to figure out this person was actually a way for him to catfish me. Is that what they call it? It was annoying and frustrating and stole my energy, so I blocked the hell outta him, deleted my blog and put a curse on him (not really, I don’t know how). This is my new blog, my reset, my chance to do me in a new space without someone from the past who has a clinical delusional fantasy about me and who is trying desperately to hang on to my cyber ankles.
Starting over has its down sides, but also a lot of up sides. I’ve had to start over a few times in life, and I view it as an opportunity. This time is an opportunity to have the blog I want based on some practice. I like it. Onward.