100 Days of Healing – Day 81

Screw leg day, don’t skip therapy day.

Still struggling through a relapse and I think I might be triggering myself, but I am still taking small, manageable steps forward in the meantime. I’ve had some bad waves of anxiety and a little bit of flashback, which I very rarely have, and this feels more like what I experienced pre-therapy. Medication is starting to look like a good option.

But.

I know how far I’ve come, and I am still going forward.

100 Days of Healing – Day 79

I’ve had a bit of a PTSD relapse this week. If I’m not working I’m in bed, and I’m certainly not bouncing out of bed in the morning.

I what and why, I know my current limitations and how to manage it, I just don’t know yet how to get out of it. Looks like some damage goes deep, and I still have work to do on this trauma.

Good thing I see a therapist! But I’m working out of town this weekend so that’s gonna be a challenge…

100 Days of Healing – Day 77

I peed in my yard.

In an epic learning moment of asking for what I need and/or making sure my needs are met, I was at a potluck last night and only drank water and unsweet tea during dinner (because keto). I hadn’t realized I drank about 48 oz of water, but when I decided it was time for me to go, a woman delayed me wanting to talk about my grandma. I didn’t, but I was in polite conversation mode so went along with it, thinking maybe I should use the bathroom but my house wasn’t that far away and I didn’t want to go back in the house.

It wasn’t, until it was.

The amount of water I drank occurred to me on the way home as I realized I desperately had to pee. But I was already in JUST GET HOME mode, so I didn’t stop, and I wasn’t sure I could get out of my car without looking ridiculous.

About two miles from my house I started thinking I could just pee in my yard, as it was dark and I didn’t think anyone would notice. Once that thought struck me, that was the only option that was going to happen…so I did.

Yep. Make sure your needs are met, and pay attention to what your needs are.

100 Days of Healing – Day 76

I’ve mentioned how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty. So sitting still on a few things last week was really hard. Sitting quietly in a meeting yesterday in which a lot of inaccurate information and misrepresentations were spewed out by a person who will accept no alternative to their uninformed views was hard. Refusing to work further with that person was not nearly as hard as I thought it might be.

But good things happened from sitting still. When I stopped care-taking and controlling what I couldn’t control, a relationship started to strengthen and I started to get what I wanted. When I didn’t have an answer and thought on an issue for a bit, I crafted a much better solution than I had at first. When I was honest with myself about the challenges of sustaining a keto diet on a work trip to a rural area, I prepped accordingly and did just fine. When I focused on what I had to do and did not try to force myself to do anything additional, I was able to assist my grandma through an infusion appointment and continue on to a full work day, and everyone did just fine.

But this will still need some practice.

100 Days of Healing – Day 75

I was still feeling an anxiety hangover when I woke up yesterday after staying in bed most of the day Friday. I was tempted to stay in bed again, but I didn’t want to, not really. So I told myself I had to do just three things: go for a walk, edit a document sitting in my email and clean my bathroom. And if that’s all I got done and if it took me all day, that’s what I was going to do.

I got dressed and out the door, and I was slow. I think it took me an hour and a half to walk three miles. But I did it, and when I got back I was a little more motivated. I ended up handling my three part list, plus started my next personal project, cleaned out a couple of garbage bags of stuff from the box pile I need to cut in half, worked for several hours and went to dinner with my parents.

It’s possible, even when it starts with one small step.