There’s a lot of backstory to it, but my relationship with my boyfriend has been challenging, and I have felt like I’ve been pushed to a place of calling it quits. We’ve both had to learn a lot about ourselves and communication in the last year, and recently I’ve been faced with a choice of pushing past all of that and being vulnerable and honest and starting – and leading – hard conversations, or quitting.
I really wanted to quit.
It’s so much harder to be honest with myself and with him, to say the things that aren’t fun to say, to draw the lines and hold to them, to lay out the situation without making threats, to set boundaries without making selfish demands and to practice love when I have no idea if it will be returned.
I’ve had moments of bright, happy and cheerful the past two days, which quickly tips over into what feels more like manic than actually happy and calm, but I’m still mostly struggling through the confining, dark depression of PTSD. It doesn’t help to be constantly triggered while trying to work through communication and behavior course corrections
I want to take a break from all of it.
But as we know, life doesn’t stop. And if anything, I’m proud of myself for not giving up on me.
It has been a long week and a half for me. A lot of travel, a lot of cold, exposure to a lot of germs I am sure, a lot of conflict that was REALLY HARD TO RESOLVE and a lot of time-crunched work. And a lot of sleep, because when my body doesn’t want to wake up IT DOES NOT WANT TO WAKE UP.
I have a self-imposed work deadline today that is completely unnecessary and that goes against what I want to work on toward balancing my day. I like to rush to get things done and put off taking care of myself until I finish a task, but that CLEARLY isn’t working for me, so now I need to practice managing my time and workload to make space for well-being. Which is probably why I want to go play. After putting my head down and working through what I just did, I want to just skip around and smile! And I can…as soon as I meet this deadline
Time to make the donuts. Although let’s be honest, I’d rather eat them!
That communication is hard.
I’m home, I’m starting to experience the severe anxiety that usually comes after a work trip, and I am 3 for 3 this week! I had great receptions to both of my project presentations and succeeded in securing the permit my client needed to move forward with their business! It can be so hard to work with PTSD (it can be so hard to do anything with PTSD), and I am certainly in need of some calming and self-care, but I did it!
I’m on a work trip for two and a half days, and I have five pairs of shoes with me. My shoe bag is larger than my bag for everything else. This is not my norm.
And it’s a step forward for me, because I was raised to not be a problem, not have needs, not be an inconvenience, not take up space and not do anything that looks like self-care.
After a week in bed and in my pajamas because I wasn’t feeling well, it’s a big jump to travel for a couple of days for work and give multiple presentations of projects I’ve been working on. It’s not comfortable, and I’m already in “energy-saving mode”, my state of quiet withdrawal before I have to put on my public face and CHARM.
So I brought a bunch of shoes, including my running shoes in case I can make time for that and my furry house shoes, which are incredibly comfortable and comforting. The little steps to take care of myself and acknowledge that I need accommodation, no matter how small, are indicators of recovery.
I’m at the point that I’m celebrating every day that isn’t a dark hole. And today is another better day!