100 Days of Healing – Day 85

I caught myself casually ignoring calories last night. I had severe anxiety and just leaving my room was hard. I went from high to severe while I made dinner and felt myself tipping over the edge to xanax level.

That weight loss trigger? Haha, yeah. So I was unconsciously disregarding that I was coping by packing on the calories.

But I noticed.

It’s so hard to reprogram triggers in the middle of severe anxiety. It’s so hard to do anything other than what reads as necessary to survival. I can work. I can feed myself. I can usually shower and brush my teeth. That’s about it.

Which is highlighting an urgent need to pause and make space to dig into this and face it.

After I go get my hair cut.

100 Days of Healing – Day 57

I lost 5.4 lbs on my juice cleanse last week. No surprise there. I gained a little more than half of it back the next day after a bean and cheese burrito, a handful of chips with salsa and a small piece of cake. Figures.

I immediately started thinking up my next crash diet. Keto! I’ll do keto for a month and get my weight down. And not because I really believe in fad diets or think this is a sustainable lifestyle, but because it’s important for me to see right now that I can. Did the weight come back immediately? Yes. But more to the point, I did it. And I can keep doing it. I am starting to believe I can make the changes I need to long term for a healthier lifestyle.

I’ve been walking this week and tracking my calories, or at least close enough to it. And I’ve lost nearly 2 lbs since the post-juice weight jump. I’m 3 lbs down total, and I’m pretty pleased with that, because that wasn’t crash diet, that’s real, and the juice was the kickstart I was hoping it would be. I needed to see that I could do it so that I could have the confidence to continue through what will be a longer and greater challenge.