I was supposed to have a care giver at grandma’s this morning so that I could leave to go to therapy and to work and do a few errands. We got a different person than who I was expecting, a new person who has injury restrictions on lifting.
I can’t have an injured person who can’t lift. Grandma has to be lifted. Right now she really isn’t bearing her own weight, she’s a bit out of her head, and I need to get her rechecked for an infection. But that all takes phone calls and paperwork and doctor’s orders.
A replacement is supposed to be here at noon, but I’m still missing my therapy appointment, I’ll need the hours I’m gone to calm down after this morning’s confusion (I had to handle the care giver and grandma) and change of plans (I was really counting on going to therapy), and I have to get some work out to a client by the close of business.
I don’t even have my laptop or clothes since I thought I was going home this morning.
I’ve watched a few people I know make poor choices in the last coupe of weeks that put people (and animals) close to them at risk. They let in harmful things because they weren’t willing to recognize and assess potential threats, and it cost them. In one case thousands of dollars in vet bills and in another the dissolving of trust and family.
I’m not sure what causes it, because I protect my house. I guard my close relationships carefully and try to protect them – sometimes even from the chaos in my brain.
For me, when someone or something is important to you, you don’t put it at risk. You don’t ignore the warnings and the intuition that harm is imminent. And if you do, that repair work is on you.
With PTSD I’ve had to work hard to understand this, because my brain reads and misreads threats all the time. I can become my own threat when anxiety becomes too much to handle, and I perceive a lot of things as threats that aren’t.
I’m trying to keep my responses balanced. Needs more practice.