Stubbornness or Self-Care?

I decided that I am not going to be the one to apologize for someone else hurting me this time, and I am not going to be the one to make it right or make amends.

I’ve done that so many times before, and after several days of struggle to understand what’s wrong, I know now, and I’m not ok with it. Frankly, I didn’t deserve that, and if I’m the one who makes this right I’m essentially saying that someone else’s choices and actions are somehow my fault because I experience PTSD.

No.

And if that means I lose this relationship, then that’s a consequence I can live with, because I can’t live with continuing to take responsibility for someone else hurting me.

Lessons from Tim Gunn

I admire Tim Gunn so much. I think he’s brave. I think he’s thoughtful. I think he’s present. I think he’s kind. I think he’s a good mentor and compassionate and authentic and dapper. I would like to hang at his place for apps and drinks at the kitchen island and end up staying too long because he was imparting wisdom to me.

He’s known for the phrase “Make It Work”, which has so much appeal.

We love work. We love making things. We love making it work. It’s really the ultimate American statement of encouragement and challenge and grit and character, and it’s what John Wayne did.

On the surface.

Tim Gunn is known for being the mentor on Project Runway and throwing down the “Make It Work” challenge when a designer is lost or stuck making something horrible but time is running too short to completely start over unless you really have it together in the sewing and construction department. I relate, because I went to design school and we did that a lot – your design is really bad until you are up against the clock and you have to pull it together and produce something by the time class starts. Sometimes you get really efficient and focused. Sometimes your ideas come together and you produce something worthwhile. Make It Work is the way forward in those situations – take what you have, no matter how bad or messy and make something out of it.

Really though, sometimes you can’t make it work. And I think that’s where you have to dive a bit into the statement. What isn’t said? What else is in those three short words?

Make It Work For You.

And if it isn’t, then get your hands on something that does. The fabric was a terrible choice? Maybe there is another one available if you look around for it. The design was horrible and unflattering? Conjure up a different design. Your collection isn’t cohesive? Scrap some things and get real with yourself about what does work and else you need to complete the picture.

It wasn’t just an admonition to make the best you could of the bad situation and being stuck with the bad situation, it was evaluating whether the situation was even working for you, and if not, scrapping it in favor of something that did.

It was and is really good advice. Thanks, Tim! You mentored me too.

100 Days of Healing – Day 33

I am kind of resentful. Sometimes a lot resentful.

It come from not having boundaries and being mad that no one observes/respects my non-boundaries. And letting people drain me until there’s nothing left.

I made the statement yesterday that, “I am nothing if not resentful.”

Saying it out loud made me think about it, made me consider it, made think about what I could do instead. Resentment isn’t a good place and it won’t contribute to love, belonging and wholeheartedness.

So that means setting and keeping boundaries, making and following through on choices, more being uncomfortable for a short time to avoid resentment for a long time and better communication.