100 Days of Healing – Day 88

I’ve needed some space to think.

I have big dreams, great plans and a love for life bubbling up from somewhere deep. I have creativity that yearns to be expressed and a comfortable in her hard-earned skin person that wants to be seen.

I haven’t given her the space to emerge, because I’ve been covering her up, first because I thought everything was a threat and then because my protectors were disappearing and I started actually hiding from the world.

I’m learning that one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is meet our own needs. I’m doing that by taking a well-timed opportunity for quiet and space this weekend. I stepped away from my to-do list, my chores and my habits and placing myself in a comfortable space that is a bit of a mental void. There’s only what I bring in and what I allow to stay, and helps me engage with the practice of choosing what I want to bring into my life and what I want to stay. It’s a retreat of sorts, but I’m (for once) not retreating, I’m pausing and forming so that I can step forward and live in more light than darkness.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself what you need. You’re worth it.

100 Days of Healing – Day 87

You know when you have really good intentions and then a thunderstorm hits and you get jarred out of your meditative state and that’s the end of that for the day?

Yeah.

I finally felt so blocked by anxiety that I knew I had to do something about it, so I got comfortable and start to reprocess my thinking and my experience. It was nice at first to have the rain as a background (we’ve gotten a lot of rain lately), but after a few minutes of mental progress, lightning hit close to my house and startled me out of my calm. I don’t have a gunshot trigger, but I do startle easily at sudden noise and movement, so that was the end of my meditative calm. Damn.

But, after more sleep I’m a little better today, more calm and focused and more open to leaving the house and being in public while wearing actual clothes and not anything that makes me feel as invisible or unattractive as possible. My weight has inched back up slightly (those extra calories I was unconsciously sneaking in), but today it isn’t an issue for me to stick to the calorie plan and accept that the extra weight no longer serves me or the life that I want to be living.

Onward!