100 Days of Healing – Day 58

My boyfriend and I continue to have difficult conversations. I keep doubting I have the energy to keep going, but I keep pushing through.

We don’t have anything to hide behind. We don’t have money and job security, we don’t have a lot of time together, we don’t have a long history of trust and connection, we don’t even have a certain belief that we belong together. It’s fucking hard.

Because we don’t have anything to hide behind, and because we’re both sticking with the difficult conversations long enough to get past the darts and jabs, we’re starting to get honest. The kind of honest where you face shame and admit you’ve been hiding things because you’re not sure they’ll like you anymore if they know. The kind of honest where you say what isn’t ok. The kind of honest where you admit you might be the problem but this little bit is all you know and you haven’t learned enough to figure out the rest yet.

I’m not sure how many people ever get this honest in a relationship, but I don’t think many do it within the first nine months. It takes more courage than I knew I had. And I do it because I believe I matter enough to speak and hear the truth. To not walk away because I’m scared and this is really hard, but because walking away is the right thing for me. And I don’t know that yet because I don’t have enough information.

And there’s no backing down now, because we’re here, rumbling with the truth no matter how scary or how hard. AND IT’S HARD. I’m still not in neutral, and I’m not comfortable with some of the surprises I’m getting. I’m constantly in high threat mode and no one else is bringing me back down to my version of calm. While I’m rumbling with a really painful series of realizations about who I am and how I got here.

But worth it, because I’m worth it. And so is he.

100 Days of Healing – Day 50

I’m getting a little tired of a juice diet, and I’m feeling really tired for the first time this week. I made a cake this morning, and not licking my fingers even once was much harder than I expected. But I did it. Two more days.

When my boyfriend and I talked about what happened Tuesday, we had completely different perceptions of what had happened. So now I’m wondering if this goes in the category of Big Misunderstanding or Relationship-Ending Behavior. I don’t know if my expectations are way off and I’m part of the communication problem and my perception is skewed by experiencing such a bad trigger, or if I’m right in line with what’s best for me.

What I have realized through this is that “You’re not valued”, however that message comes across to me, is the worst trigger I experience. It makes me bolt. Shut down, get out, get away, done. And I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

100 Days of Healing – Day 33

I am kind of resentful. Sometimes a lot resentful.

It come from not having boundaries and being mad that no one observes/respects my non-boundaries. And letting people drain me until there’s nothing left.

I made the statement yesterday that, “I am nothing if not resentful.”

Saying it out loud made me think about it, made me consider it, made think about what I could do instead. Resentment isn’t a good place and it won’t contribute to love, belonging and wholeheartedness.

So that means setting and keeping boundaries, making and following through on choices, more being uncomfortable for a short time to avoid resentment for a long time and better communication.

100 Days of Healing – Day 32

Poor communication seems to be plaguing my life lately. As much as I want to blame everyone else and think that I am communicating perfectly, that probably isn’t the case.

However.

I am to the point in two particular situations that good or at least effective communication is required for me to move forward out of really stressful and draining circumstances and into a better opportunity for a fulfilling life. One of the moving forward situations has been dragging on much too long, in part due to lack of effective communication, including on my part. The other is a fairly newly draining situation, but one I refuse to stay in.

Because I have let people and circumstances drain the life out of me, and I am going to learn lessons from that and do things differently now. And differently also means recognizing that phone calls are only going in circles, so a different communication is needed. Time to put it in writing, which will also allow me to be clear, concise and impersonal – what is needed in this situation.

Onward.

When Someone You’re Close to Triggers You

My boyfriend triggered me the other day, and my brain is now reading him as a threat.

He didn’t mean to, but he did something that I’ve previously expressed can be triggering for me. It was a communication issue, and he dropped the ball, so to speak, without having a reason or explanation why. I was PISSED, not only because I had been triggered but now I was facing having to do the work to make him not be a threat. Work I really wasn’t sure I even wanted to do.

Avoiding is easier!

But.

I am working hard to not avoid, to face my challenges and the reasons behind them and I am really trying to heal. It’s hard, it’s scary and it makes me sleep a lot. It makes me react a lot when I even think it should be a fairly calm scenario.

Throw on top of that a person I am close to and trust triggering me because he didn’t bother to do something that is, frankly, common courtesy at least and for me a necessity.

So I did what I have a really hard time doing. In my last decade I had a lot of people run roughshod over my boundaries – a lot of that at work, but trauma stacks up, and I had some traumatizing work experiences. I set a hard line boundary of what I will and will not tolerate, and made peace with whatever outcomes resulted from holding that line.

The result has been both of us working to calm the effects of the trigger, a good weekend, honesty and some teamwork.