100 Days of Healing – Day 95

I finished keto three days ago, I’ve been eating carbs, and – shocker – I haven’t gained weight.

I am much more conscious about what I eat, how much I eat and why I eat. I’m still watching the calories and not eating large meals. I’m still not eating or drinking much sugar. I still have 30 lbs to go.

I’m still a bit paranoid about binge eating and blowing my progress.

I’m generally paranoid/have severe anxiety about at least one aspect of my life, so I can probably assign paranoia about sabotaging my progress to some persistently fearful corner of my brain that has thus far been resistant to healing. It’s hard, because the more anxiety I have about eating, the more I want to eat, the more of a challenge it is not to eat, the more…

PTSD is hard. But I am going to get through it, one little bit of healing at a time.

100 Days of Healing – Day 92

Done. No more keto. Now just reduced calories for the next 30 lbs…

I learned a lot, about my tolerance for discomfort, about advocating for myself and asking for what I need, about the benefits of mindfulness and checking in with myself, about my ability to change and improve and do better. It served its purpose.

And now it can go.

100 Days of Healing – Day 90

I have a Fitbit for feedback. I like to know where my resting heart rate is, I like to know how much I’m moving, I like to know how I sleep, and I count calories. I used to do it obsessively, but I’ve stopped that and now just use it for data. I stopped counting this past weekend when I let my phone battery die. I ate when I was hungry, I rested because that’s what felt good, and when I got home the weather and some chores I wanted to get done didn’t give me the time to go for a walk and get in a little exercise. And that’s ok. My weight is back up a bit, and that’s ok. I listened to my body and gave it what it asked for.

And now it’s asking for something else.

Yesterday started out sleeping a little bit too long and being rushed to get out the door to an appointment. As soon as that was done though, I went back to the routine I wanted, slowed things down, took some time to check in with my schedule, make some plans and decide what was important for this week.

I also decided that I was going to go low calorie through Thursday and start engaging in some small exercise every day, because my body needs balance. I don’t do balance, that has been escaping me my whole life, but I think I am ready to begin balance.

And maybe I have viewed balance as something it’s not – a constant state. I think maybe it’s more acknowledging that things are rocking and responding by doing the things that bring harmony back.

I indulged in food, now I am going to un-indulge.

I’ve avoided exercise, now I am going to practice it.

I’ve ignored unhealthy relationships that called and demanded my time and energy, now I’m being intentional about connecting with people who are meaningful and supportive of me.

I rushed out the door, now I’m taking a few moments to calm and center and drink some tea before I go to the next thing.

It’s a small start, but practice begins with those small starts.

100 Days of Healing – Day 89

Four more days of keto…but who’s counting?

Going to a place of quiet and rest and letting my phone die was the kindest thing I have done for myself in a very long time. Reading Oprah’s The Wisdom of Sundays supported that. I just let it all go for a bit, and felt like a human. Here’s to more of that.

100 Days of Healing – Day 83

So…that weight loss? It’s a trigger for me.

I’m one that unconsciously gained weight to insulate me from trauma. I also insulate myself at home a lot now, but at the time I had to be out and about all the time, so I gained weight as a protective measure.

Brains are funny things. Trauma does weird stuff to your brain. Like this.

Now that I’m losing weight (I’ve cleared 10 lbs!), I’m losing my protective layer, and that – that is what’s behind my recent relapse with severe anxiety.

Wow.

The body does indeed keep score.

But now that I know I can address it and keep moving forward!

100 Days of Healing – Day 69

Things aren’t so hard. Still hard, yes, but not so hard. Positive change doesn’t seem impossible. Challenges don’t seem insurmountable. Calm and focus are not longer out of my reach. Yoga is not too difficult for me to enjoy. Prioritizing a balanced diet, sleep and rest is not making me miserable, behind with work or friendless. I am not alienating people by asking for what I need. I am not crippled by being honest with myself on the habits I need to change.

Things are better, I am healing and I am grateful.

100 Days of Healing – Day 66

This is the first full week I’ve worked in six months. Over 40 hours, fully engaged, up early, up late, driving lots of miles, handling difficult aspects of projects and wading into conflict to resolve it rather than pass it off to someone else with blame.

While on a new diet that takes away food as a crutch and while resolving some challenging personal shit.

Feels good.