Really not ready to date yet. I did it anyway.
I met up with some friends downtown for the annual turning on of the Christmas lights. I don’t care for crowds and getting bumped can trigger me so I generally avoid this kind of thing, but I figured why not? Client’s Brother decided that was a great reason to meet up with me rather than wait for Sunday, so we ended up on a spontaneous date. We grabbed some beers, watched part of the game, took a picture with the most epic ugly sweater ever (the guy also had Christmas ornaments hung in his long beard) and made out in my car for over an hour.
My post-trauma dating history is terrible. My ex did damage I am still trying to recover from, I have gone out with psychopaths (clinical) and guys with severe attachment disorder and it has all left me not wanting to date again, because I am tired of picking the bad apples. I’m pretty skittish.
But, you know, what the hell.
It will take a lot of math, the level I like to call “rocket math” (“rocket science” is really just a bunch of math, in my mind).
I was texting a friend last night in between him prepping for a chili competition today and me being the driver while out with my girlfriends. He asked how my love life was, which made me laugh because that’s about the last thing on my mind. I think he was checking to make sure I’m still single but I have cognitive distortion so there’s no telling. Ha!
I responded with how I felt in the moment, but my own words stuck with me:
Sitting in the ICU for 9 days while we waited to see if they could save my brother’s fingers was horrible. Doing nothing but care for my family and try to keep my company going for three months was hard. The transition month going back to dealing with my trauma was almost worse. I have had no business dating.
I’m just about through all the shit I’ve had to slog through in therapy, and I think I’ll be open to dating in another month or so. Just hasn’t been important while I’ve been in survival mode.
You know the best part of my week right now? A coffee shop opened downtown. It’s run by a surfer hippie. I know you don’t drink coffee but their cold brew is the best I’ve had and doesn’t cause me anxiety. They have a bagel guy who makes the best bagels I’ve ever had, and I get up early on Saturday morning no matter how exhausted I am and go get coffee and bagels. That has been my thing just for me for a couple of months. As much as I love coffee and bagels, I would like to have more in my life that’s just for me than that.
Which is one of the reasons I was up early this morning after a late night out doing “rocket math” with my business partner. We have a passion project that we first cooked up in graduate school that we are now starting to formalize into a written theoretical framework. It will take a lot of math, the level I like to call “rocket math” (“rocket science” is really just a bunch of math, in my mind).
I used to think I couldn’t do math like this. I used to think I couldn’t do a project of this intellectual magnitude. Yes, I can. And if I can do rocket math, I can have a few more things that are just for me.