This morning did not start well. I had so much anxiety last night that I was dizzy every time I stood, and I couldn’t sleep enough to get out of bed energetically. But two things happened to turn that around for me.
I met with a graduate student I am mentoring through my alma mater’s former student network, and we not only connected well but my professional work and personal interests align well with hers, so it looks like I will be able to provide real benefit to her. I’m thrilled by that, because not all of the matches are so successful, and I want to give back. I think it’s important.
During that meeting I got a call from a client who wanted to discuss some plan changes, and who is really happy and excited by what I am producing for them. That was gratifying, and I’m really happy that I am helping someone turn their vision into an achievable goal.
I still don’t have much relief from the anxiety and being “on” half the day has been tiring, but the good is there, I acknowledge it and am grateful for it and I am doing the best I can to be responsible for the energy I bring into the room.
are vital to my recovery and well being and are worth my time and energy.
it has only to do with me, and not with anyone else.
is not in conflict with the joy of living.
I just posted about not answering the phone when toxic calls. Today I got not one but two texts from people who ghosted me months ago, declaring how much they miss me.
Text #1, from former coworker and woman I thought was the closest I will ever have to a sister, who made a big splash about being friends forever then stopped responding to my texts:
“Hey! You doing okay??” along with a meme saying, “Your face…I kind of fucking miss that shit…A lot.”
I haven’t heard from you in 8 months, so I doubt it.
Text #2, from former college friend who was self-destructive before and after college, and who ended our friendship the night I had food poisoning and she left to go find whatever would make her feel good about herself. At 6am I was awakened (after vomiting every 15 minutes for hours) by a knock on our hotel door because she was downstairs in an ambulance unconscious and wearing someone else’s clothes. She wasn’t interested in owning her behavior, and I wasn’t interested in continuing to clean up after her. About a year or so ago she reached out to reconcile, and we were slowly moving that direction when she ghosted me:
“Hi!! I have been missing you like crazy, lady! It’s time for a chat with your pal!! Miss you tons.”
It’s actually time for me to acknowledge that you, much like many guys I’ve dated, are not genuinely interested in a relationship with me, and it’s time for me to make myself and my time and energy a priority for me.
So as much as I’m spending time and energy on these former friends because I’m having to deal with my own issues related to them, at least that’s time and energy spent where it belongs.
But seriously. WTF.
I feel like I’ve hit the floor of whatever hole I’ve been in. Not in a “hit rock bottom” way, more in a “fall through whatever rungs were left and now have to both repair the rungs and climb back up them” way. It’s overwhelming. And as much as I can look back at the last few years and acknowledge that I’ve worked through a lot of hell and made so much progress, I’m tired now and don’t have the energy to push through what’s in front of me.
As hard as it was to be in a relationship before I started putting focus and energy into healing, it’s even harder now. And possibly more so because I’m dating a person who hasn’t yet begun the process.