100 Days of Healing – Day 95

I finished keto three days ago, I’ve been eating carbs, and – shocker – I haven’t gained weight.

I am much more conscious about what I eat, how much I eat and why I eat. I’m still watching the calories and not eating large meals. I’m still not eating or drinking much sugar. I still have 30 lbs to go.

I’m still a bit paranoid about binge eating and blowing my progress.

I’m generally paranoid/have severe anxiety about at least one aspect of my life, so I can probably assign paranoia about sabotaging my progress to some persistently fearful corner of my brain that has thus far been resistant to healing. It’s hard, because the more anxiety I have about eating, the more I want to eat, the more of a challenge it is not to eat, the more…

PTSD is hard. But I am going to get through it, one little bit of healing at a time.

100 Days of Healing – Day 92

Done. No more keto. Now just reduced calories for the next 30 lbs…

I learned a lot, about my tolerance for discomfort, about advocating for myself and asking for what I need, about the benefits of mindfulness and checking in with myself, about my ability to change and improve and do better. It served its purpose.

And now it can go.

100 Days of Healing – Day 89

Four more days of keto…but who’s counting?

Going to a place of quiet and rest and letting my phone die was the kindest thing I have done for myself in a very long time. Reading Oprah’s The Wisdom of Sundays supported that. I just let it all go for a bit, and felt like a human. Here’s to more of that.

100 Days of Healing – Day 77

I peed in my yard.

In an epic learning moment of asking for what I need and/or making sure my needs are met, I was at a potluck last night and only drank water and unsweet tea during dinner (because keto). I hadn’t realized I drank about 48 oz of water, but when I decided it was time for me to go, a woman delayed me wanting to talk about my grandma. I didn’t, but I was in polite conversation mode so went along with it, thinking maybe I should use the bathroom but my house wasn’t that far away and I didn’t want to go back in the house.

It wasn’t, until it was.

The amount of water I drank occurred to me on the way home as I realized I desperately had to pee. But I was already in JUST GET HOME mode, so I didn’t stop, and I wasn’t sure I could get out of my car without looking ridiculous.

About two miles from my house I started thinking I could just pee in my yard, as it was dark and I didn’t think anyone would notice. Once that thought struck me, that was the only option that was going to happen…so I did.

Yep. Make sure your needs are met, and pay attention to what your needs are.

100 Days of Healing – Day 76

I’ve mentioned how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty. So sitting still on a few things last week was really hard. Sitting quietly in a meeting yesterday in which a lot of inaccurate information and misrepresentations were spewed out by a person who will accept no alternative to their uninformed views was hard. Refusing to work further with that person was not nearly as hard as I thought it might be.

But good things happened from sitting still. When I stopped care-taking and controlling what I couldn’t control, a relationship started to strengthen and I started to get what I wanted. When I didn’t have an answer and thought on an issue for a bit, I crafted a much better solution than I had at first. When I was honest with myself about the challenges of sustaining a keto diet on a work trip to a rural area, I prepped accordingly and did just fine. When I focused on what I had to do and did not try to force myself to do anything additional, I was able to assist my grandma through an infusion appointment and continue on to a full work day, and everyone did just fine.

But this will still need some practice.

100 Days of Healing – Day 63

Two days into keto, and I’m down 3.8 pounds. I apparently hit ketosis fast – woohoo!

It feels really good to practice discipline in what I eat, something I have struggled with for so long. I attribute it to the hard work I’ve done in PTSD recovery, to working through shame issues, anxiety, realizing how much I’ve been numbing, learning what I use to cope and seeing that I have other options – options that take work and practice, but that are improving my life so much.

I think I may have stopped numbing. I’m stopping work when it’s at a stopping point and I can reasonably be done for the day – and I don’t feel bad about being done and I don’t feel like I didn’t do enough. I’m not eating to ignore my feelings, and I’m conscious of what I eat. Work and food have been my go-tos to ignore my feelings and my problems for years. This feels pretty good.

I had a lot of creativity last night and was able to think through some ideas I’ve been stalled out on for several months. That felt great too! The other side is that now I’m feeling, I’m also feeling hurt. The emotions I’ve been blocking and ignoring for a long time are still there and still have to be dealt with, and I understand that…and am slowly accepting it. But that also leaves from for happy and a lot of other good things, so here’s to exploring that.