I’ve needed some space to think.
I have big dreams, great plans and a love for life bubbling up from somewhere deep. I have creativity that yearns to be expressed and a comfortable in her hard-earned skin person that wants to be seen.
I haven’t given her the space to emerge, because I’ve been covering her up, first because I thought everything was a threat and then because my protectors were disappearing and I started actually hiding from the world.
I’m learning that one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is meet our own needs. I’m doing that by taking a well-timed opportunity for quiet and space this weekend. I stepped away from my to-do list, my chores and my habits and placing myself in a comfortable space that is a bit of a mental void. There’s only what I bring in and what I allow to stay, and helps me engage with the practice of choosing what I want to bring into my life and what I want to stay. It’s a retreat of sorts, but I’m (for once) not retreating, I’m pausing and forming so that I can step forward and live in more light than darkness.
Be kind to yourself, and give yourself what you need. You’re worth it.
I was still feeling an anxiety hangover when I woke up yesterday after staying in bed most of the day Friday. I was tempted to stay in bed again, but I didn’t want to, not really. So I told myself I had to do just three things: go for a walk, edit a document sitting in my email and clean my bathroom. And if that’s all I got done and if it took me all day, that’s what I was going to do.
I got dressed and out the door, and I was slow. I think it took me an hour and a half to walk three miles. But I did it, and when I got back I was a little more motivated. I ended up handling my three part list, plus started my next personal project, cleaned out a couple of garbage bags of stuff from the box pile I need to cut in half, worked for several hours and went to dinner with my parents.
It’s possible, even when it starts with one small step.
There are few things more healing than a sincere and unasked-for apology. And I really value that when I met my boyfriend for lunch to talk things out, he offered just that. Actions do really speak louder, but there are some words that cannot be replaced, and “I’m sorry” is on that list. It’s why I agreed to keep working things out, and why I’m wanting to heal our relationship rather than end it. Sorry is hard, but sorry can heal.