The days march on whether I heal or not. I get the chance every day to do the work or not. It never looks quite the same, the challenges are never quite the same, how I feel is never quite the same, but there are always and only 24 hours in a day to what I can. Yesterday I did the best I could, today I’m doing the best I can and tomorrow I will do the best I can.
And it’s enough.
I’m back in neutral. It’s such a tenuous place, and I expect to be thrown out of it at any moment. Not exactly being present or living in the moment, but it’s going to take a lot of practice for me to be able to be comfortable with not freaking out. That may sound ridiculous, but the constant scan for threats to my perceived safety and security is beyond hard to turn off.
I’m noticing that I’m starting to be able to find some balance. It’s been nearly manic activity or hiding in bed for so long, and now, even if initially I find a task to be challenging, I can usually calmly consider it and get to a place that I can tackle it. If I don’t want to do something I think about it until I can calmly approach it. I even considered doing something that I then decided would be too stressful and told myself no.
Creativity is slowly starting to unfurl in my brain. I get little bits and pieces, glimpses of ideas and a hint of the motivation to pursue it. I’ve been in survival mode, then get standing mode, for so long that it feels like a new game to begin to get close to moving forward. And I’m kind of looking forward to it, and starting to believe I can.
It’s the first day of working for myself in 17 years. This time I own a company. Onward.
Poor communication seems to be plaguing my life lately. As much as I want to blame everyone else and think that I am communicating perfectly, that probably isn’t the case.
I am to the point in two particular situations that good or at least effective communication is required for me to move forward out of really stressful and draining circumstances and into a better opportunity for a fulfilling life. One of the moving forward situations has been dragging on much too long, in part due to lack of effective communication, including on my part. The other is a fairly newly draining situation, but one I refuse to stay in.
Because I have let people and circumstances drain the life out of me, and I am going to learn lessons from that and do things differently now. And differently also means recognizing that phone calls are only going in circles, so a different communication is needed. Time to put it in writing, which will also allow me to be clear, concise and impersonal – what is needed in this situation.