100 Days of Healing – Day 100

I’ve spent the last two days busting my ass to get a report done. Not because I have to, not because I don’t have a choice, but because I showed up, let myself be seen, was authentic to who I am, said yes and worked my ass off for the opportunity. When I emailed the draft for review, I didn’t eat a second slice of pizza just because I finished or because I was stressed or because I felt like it. I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. I acknowledged how I was feeling, let it go and took a shower. I’m proud of myself. I WORKED. I didn’t balance, I didn’t “do self-care”, I did give myself a break or grace, I pushed myself, focused, stayed on task, was proud of what I accomplished, handled my shit while not always being totally present and did exactly what I wanted to do – and finished early.

Contrast that with 100 days ago:

I have recently become aware of how often I disassociate – I am presently lacking memory of a lot of time. I hurt everywhere. My weight is at its highest ever at 216 lbs. Getting out of bed is unappealing. Vigorous exercise is less appealing. Healing trauma is appealing, but it’s hard and makes me tired. I kind of just want to quit, in a general sense.

I’ve been sleeping this week. I’ve been trying to let my body rest as much as possible. That has meant I am also dreaming vivid dreams every night. I’ve noticed that the last two nights my dreams have shifted from a seemingly random and meandering narrative and wandering around places then waking feeling disturbed to dreaming that I am taking control of and addressing situations I don’t like. Last night, for example, I was eating dinner outside under a large awning and someone was flying a drone right over our heads and up under the awning. It was disturbing and unpleasant, so I reached up and pulled it out of the air, knowing that I could do that with no injury to myself if I caught the part that rests on the ground during takeoff and landing. I shook it to break it out of radio control and tossed it on the ground, to everyone else’s shock.

I like to think it’s a sign that I’m ready to take charge of my life again.

I don’t like myself right now – I don’t like who I’ve become post-trauma. I realized this yesterday evening. Disregard the weight gain – I’m not comfortable in my own skin because I don’t like my skin. I don’t like my limitations, and I am not willing to make peace with something I don’t like. Changing myself will be hard, but this whole effort to heal (and therefore be a person I enjoy being) is hard anyway. I understand that self-judging and criticizing isn’t helpful to me right now, and I don’t think I’m doing that, I think I can just admit that I don’t honestly like ME and want to be someone I do like.

So here’s to the start of 100 Days of seeing where I can go with an intentional effort to heal, with a big curiosity about what I can learn and who I can be.

That’s how far I went. And it was good. Here’s to the next 100.

100 Days of Healing – Day 88

I’ve needed some space to think.

I have big dreams, great plans and a love for life bubbling up from somewhere deep. I have creativity that yearns to be expressed and a comfortable in her hard-earned skin person that wants to be seen.

I haven’t given her the space to emerge, because I’ve been covering her up, first because I thought everything was a threat and then because my protectors were disappearing and I started actually hiding from the world.

I’m learning that one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is meet our own needs. I’m doing that by taking a well-timed opportunity for quiet and space this weekend. I stepped away from my to-do list, my chores and my habits and placing myself in a comfortable space that is a bit of a mental void. There’s only what I bring in and what I allow to stay, and helps me engage with the practice of choosing what I want to bring into my life and what I want to stay. It’s a retreat of sorts, but I’m (for once) not retreating, I’m pausing and forming so that I can step forward and live in more light than darkness.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself what you need. You’re worth it.

Stalked – Get Off My Cyber Ankles

Girl, Bye.

I had another blog. I also had a cyber stalker. He was pretty obsessive about my blog, social media, work, etc. He actually created a fake persona and friended a colleague so he could interact with me. It took 6 months for me to figure out this person was actually a way for him to catfish me. Is that what they call it? It was annoying and frustrating and stole my energy, so I blocked the hell outta him, deleted my blog and put a curse on him (not really, I don’t know how). This is my new blog, my reset, my chance to do me in a new space without someone from the past who has a clinical delusional fantasy about me and who is trying desperately to hang on to my cyber ankles.

Good riddance.

Starting over has its down sides, but also a lot of up sides. I’ve had to start over a few times in life, and I view it as an opportunity. This time is an opportunity to have the blog I want based on some practice. I like it. Onward.

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