100 Days of Healing – Day 50

I’m getting a little tired of a juice diet, and I’m feeling really tired for the first time this week. I made a cake this morning, and not licking my fingers even once was much harder than I expected. But I did it. Two more days.

When my boyfriend and I talked about what happened Tuesday, we had completely different perceptions of what had happened. So now I’m wondering if this goes in the category of Big Misunderstanding or Relationship-Ending Behavior. I don’t know if my expectations are way off and I’m part of the communication problem and my perception is skewed by experiencing such a bad trigger, or if I’m right in line with what’s best for me.

What I have realized through this is that “You’re not valued”, however that message comes across to me, is the worst trigger I experience. It makes me bolt. Shut down, get out, get away, done. And I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

A New Box Full of Trauma

I was thinking I could close the chapter on therapy and roll on down the road.

As it happens, 6 weeks of caring for grandma and working full time with one day off has pushed my stress levels back up to anxiety – producing, and I found a whole lot more trauma that hasn’t been addressed.

I never know what my brain will read as a threat. I am realizing that if I have a lot of stress I tend to start spinning with anxiety, and if I don’t have a way to back out of what’s causing me stress, something will inevitably trigger me. It feels like it comes out of nowhere, but if I think about it, I’m almost anticipating it. Because PTSD brain looks for trouble, looks for negative, likes to be destructive… Ugh.

Then I have to get to safety and quiet so I can start calming down. There’s no calming down when there are perceived threats around me.

Basically, I go home.

And try again tomorrow.