Reclaiming Communication (It’s More Than Words)

Communication can cause me a lot of anxiety.

This morning I was reflecting on my post yesterday about Reclaiming Sex and I began to realize that wasn’t the only thing taken from me. And I want my shit back.

Communication, my self-worth, my sexuality (not the same as sex), my boundaries, my sense of safety, my ability to trust myself, my birthday – those were all ripped out of my hands, taken without my permission. Those things were mine, and for several years now they haven’t been. It’s a weird realization, but also a positive one, because I can reclaim those things, and I don’t have to ask permission.

Now that I’m thinking about it, the one thing I did give him was a wooden puzzle, a cube cleverly put together with dowels and odd shapes. When he blew my life to pieces for the last time, I demanded that he return the puzzle. He gave me excuses and put me off for a year, but I insisted that I have my puzzle back. Eventually I wore him out and he sent it back, and it’s mine again.

I would do that for a small block of wood, but I wouldn’t do that for any of the things that are part of who I am?

Until now. Now that I realize those are mine, and I get to have them back. Even better, I get to have them back the way I want them, not the way I’m told they should be or the way I’ve been demanded they be made to serve someone else.

Communication can cause me a lot of anxiety. I’m just now understanding that I have a lot of trauma tied to communication, so that’s really not surprising. It’s a way that I’ve been abused and controlled and made to feel like shit, and I have A LOT of bad communication habits. It’s a broad term, but so is my bad experience. I want that back. I want to enjoy communication as a way to express myself and my needs in a healthy, positive way, and not fear it as something that will kick my feet out from under me at any moment. I want it to be about building connection and not building fear. I want to not have my default set to “take this the wrong way” or “assume the worst”. And I don’t want to be scared to say what I need and what’s important to me and ask questions because I might get hurt even more.

That connection part? It’s so important to me, because I find connection to be deeply satisfying. Connection wasn’t taken from me, but communication (what I need to connect) was, and now I want it back. I’m reclaiming that for me.

Liebster Award X 2 (Updated)

Much love to the kind people who read my space in the blog universe, y’all make my life richer.

The blogosphere continues to be a positive place for me, and I really enjoy the connections I’ve made and blogs I read, like Ashley (another Ashely!) blogging at Mental Health @ Home. Thanks so much!

I was also just nominated by Roxy, and have updated this post with her questions (11 questions from her, really enjoyed reading her responses on her blog), appreciate this and thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

What is the Liebster Award?

A recognition award from one blogger to another. The word Liebster means “dearest” or “beloved.”

Rules of the Liebster Award 

  1. Create a new post thanking the person who nominated you.
  2. Provide a link to their blog.
  3. Include the award graphic.
  4. Answer the questions provided.
  5. Nominate 10 recently followed bloggers and share your post with them.
  6. Make a new set of 10 questions for your nominees to answer.

My questions from Ashley:

  1. What is the goal and/or purpose for your blog?  This blog in particular is a reset after learning that I was being cyber stalked. The man who stalks me (yep, ongoing) would read my blog obsessively, and since he lives in another country it would show up in my stats. It got to be too much for me, so I shut that blog down and here I am, being more authentic and enjoying blogging so much more!
  2. How did you come up with the name of your blog? I had been thinking through how to successfully make some lifestyle changes that would address my struggles with PTSD in a healthier way, and I realized I would just have to practice until I got better at it. Then I made a few adjustments to get a unique domain, and here I am, Practicing Imperfection.
  3. Name three things on your bucket list.  This question made me immediately think of looking at a certain person and saying, “Ha, you’re on my bucket list…” Anyway…1. Visiting all of the space-needle type buildings (I think I’ve been to 5 or 6 already?), 2. Holding a massively extravagant dinner party with all of the people I like, and 3. Having a pro do my hair and makeup for a night out.
  4. What is your favorite quote and by whom? “To hell with more, I want better.” – Ray Bradbury
  5. What are your favorite types of books to read and why? 18th Century British novels. They’re like a long, warm hug with excellent English.
  6. What is your favorite movie and/or television show? I’m a big fan of Poldark! Thanks, BBC, for that gift.
  7. What is your best memory from the year 2017? Holding a friend as she cried because she was facing past trauma and releasing emotion. I was in a place that I could understand and cry with her, and that moved the Earth under me.
  8. What did you learn from the year 2017? That shame is not necessary to living my life.
  9. What are your hopes and goals for the year 2018? I hope I have the energy to push my company to success. I have a number of people I would like to provide for, and achieving that would be so fulfilling for me.
  10. What is your favorite post you have written. Bone Deep and Mind Breaking was a really powerful moment for me, and I spoke from my soul. It was the start of something good.

My Questions from Roxy:

  1. Describe one goal you want to achieve by the end of 2018? I want to be able to run 5k in less than 40 minutes. I am neither a runner nor fast.
  2. Are you pessimistic or optimistic? Optimistic!
  3. If there was one country you could choose to go to where would it be and why? I would really like to visit Spain. I think the vibe and the food would agree with me.
  4. It’s your last ever meal…what would you eat? Hot French bread and cold butter.
  5. What is your favourite season and why? I like summer. The hotter the better, which is exactly what the temps are NOT right now.
  6. What is the first thing you would buy if you won a million pounds? I would go to dinner to celebrate and take a bunch of friends.
  7. Would you still write if WordPress never existed? I would (and do) write through other outlets, but I wouldn’t write what I post on my blog.
  8. What is your favourite sweet? Dark chocolate.
  9. If you could have a conversation with a celebrity who would it be? I’ve always thought Jamie Foxx would be cool to talk to.
  10. What was the most recent programme you watched? Worst Cooks in America on Food Network. So funny!
  11. What sets you apart from everyone else? I’m not defensive. I like to stay open to what people have to say without taking it as a threat or a negative.

 

Since I have already had the honor of being nominated for this award and I have a lot going on at the moment (but wanted to respond to Ashley!), I am going to skip the nominations, and ask instead if you will answer the questions in the comments! That way whoever would like to respond can feel free to. Much love to the kind people who read my space in the blog universe, y’all make my life richer.

My questions for You:

  1. What is your favorite breakfast food?
  2. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
  3. What is your favorite children’s book?
  4. Do you own stationery?
  5. How much time do you spend on your hair?
  6. Do you enjoy grocery shopping?
  7. Favorite flavor milk shake?
  8. How many times have you experienced heartbreak?
  9. Do you have a favorite charity?
  10. Do you wear hats?

Trying to Not Complain for a Week

What if I took all those frustrations and re-framed them into positive observations? Would it help?

I just about lost my shit this morning when I got home from the store. It rained all morning, and by the time I was hauling a loaded cart out to my car it was pouring. It rained so hard that some of the streets were flooded on my way home, and my street was partly flooded. I unloaded wet bags or groceries and jugs of water (our water tastes weird at the moment), nearly busted my ass slipping on the threshold, got it all put away in my mom’s chaotic kitchen and discovered that the box on the porch was the cane I had ordered from my grandma that we thought hadn’t arrived.

I was checking my Amazon orders last night to see if anything might not arrive this week, and saw that the new walking cane was supposed to have been delivered on Friday. No one had seen the box, so I reported it missing and requested another. From what I can guess, it was delivered to a neighbor and they brought it to my door this morning…4 days later. I couldn’t cancel the Amazon replacement in time to not have them send me one unnecessarily, but…thanks, neighbors. If I get a package by mistake I take it over immediately. I guess I have a spare cane now for someone who need it though.

I was in such a foul mood about all of this and the grocery crazy especially that I was about to lose it. The PTSD thing I live with? Stress can quickly light a short fuse. I stopped myself though and thought, “What if I didn’t complain?”

What if I didn’t complain about this? What if I found the positive, that we can afford all of these groceries and that we needed the rain and that it isn’t also cold and that I got things done early and have plenty of time to start baking for tonight and go to the store again later for my grandma’s stuff and the cake box I need to pick up? What if I didn’t complain for a week? What if I took all those frustrations and re-framed them into positive observations? Would it help? Would it not?

Here goes!