100 Days of Healing – Day 50

I’m getting a little tired of a juice diet, and I’m feeling really tired for the first time this week. I made a cake this morning, and not licking my fingers even once was much harder than I expected. But I did it. Two more days.

When my boyfriend and I talked about what happened Tuesday, we had completely different perceptions of what had happened. So now I’m wondering if this goes in the category of Big Misunderstanding or Relationship-Ending Behavior. I don’t know if my expectations are way off and I’m part of the communication problem and my perception is skewed by experiencing such a bad trigger, or if I’m right in line with what’s best for me.

What I have realized through this is that “You’re not valued”, however that message comes across to me, is the worst trigger I experience. It makes me bolt. Shut down, get out, get away, done. And I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

100 Days of Healing – Day 30

I’ve been pushing against the walls of the past that confine me, and I’m disappointed, scared and angry that they exist. It’s like I’m struggling to get out of a cocoon or a restrictive jacket, and I haven’t managed to tear my way out yet.

Apparently, this is called Day/Act/Part 2. It’s the middle.

I’m thankful that Brené Brown went first and did the research and self-application that have given me a path to healing. I’m listening to Rising Strong now, and the timing is good. God-thing good. She describes a curriculum in which participants go through an intensive three-day learning process. Day Two – the middle, the part about vulnerability and blame and shame – sucks.  And you can’t skip Day Two.

She connects this to the Hero story. Act two is the part in which the Hero tries every easy way around the problem, only to climax at the realization and engagement with the hard truth that there is only way through. Act Two sucks for the Hero. Act Two sucks for us. I am in Act Two, and it sucks. But I can’t skip it. I can’t ignore or skip or evade the discomfort, the struggle and the frustrating constriction, and I’ve come too far to turn back.

But hey, at least I have a name for it and I’m not the only one.

Something to Look Forward to

Grandma is being crazy (loose term, yes I know, but I don’t want to get into it), and I am actually counting the hours until I get to leave. I’m like the custodial parent here: I get all of the bad behavior while everyone else gets to see her perform for company. There is no rational thought happening in her head, and it is really frustrating to me because I cannot solve any problems here. She won’t let me solve her imaginary problems, and she frequently doesn’t tell the truth, so…I’m counting the hours.

One of my coping ideas is to figure out something to treat myself with when I get out of here in a couple of days. I haven’t settled on anything yet, but it’s as varied as a nice dinner out to getting my car detailed. I’m going to be working the next two weeks straight with a lot of travel, and there won’t be much room after Thursday for something for myself, so I have about a day and a half free before I hit the road.

I want to spoil myself a bit, then it’s back to work, back to working on my health and back to recovery. But I haven’t settled on something yet, so feel free to weigh in!