The trauma freefall does seem to have finally come to an end. I don’t have the feeling that I’m still crashing through layers, and taking it easy for a few days seems to have helped get me upright. Yesterday wasn’t easy, it was a packed workday with a lot of forward motion (which was gratifying), and on stressful days I have a lot of anxiety when I go to bed, I’ve noticed. However, things are starting to feel a bit less impossible, and I am now aware of the need to take small steps toward a goal in order for my brain to begin to understand that I am capable of doing it.
My brain tells me I am not capable of SO MANY THINGS.
No matter how many Body Boss sponsored posts I see on social media, my brain tells me that I cannot be that fit. I don’t mean the abs and size 00 shorts, I mean just being able to complete the exercises. So rather than taking steps to be able to do all of that (which I know I can because I was in great shape 5 years ago and have no medical reason to prevent me from working back up to that level), my brain just says I can’t and that’s it.
I thought that meant that I either needed to hire a trainer and push myself through a sudden and intense workout regimen. Nope. Start meditating daily. Do yoga a few times a week. Go for walks.
Because even though those are not things that will get me to my fitness goals, those are the things that will get me to my fitness goals. Those very things. Because those are things I can do, and am not doing now, and making the little changes to start to do them and staying with the discomfort of doing them will teach my brain that yes, I am capable.
I am struggling this week. Losing Josh in the middle of the week that my body remembers as the most traumatic week of my life is just hard. I didn’t prepare for it because my therapist thinks that creating that expectation will make the week inevitably negative, but not preparing for it has just left me unprepared for what I’m experiencing. I worked well past midnight last night and have been busting my ass for the last few weeks. I’m busy with work, yes, but I am also using it to cope, per usual. I didn’t plan to take a day for myself to be still and reflective and work on reprogramming, I was going to travel out of town on an unnecessary work trip just to accommodate someone I have already over accommodated. This was not a good approach for my situation, and now with a funeral tomorrow and my owns needs and experiences not met or addressed, I am struggling to hold it together.
This shit is hard.
It’s likely that by Monday (or even before) I’ll be ok and the moment will have passed and I will have some freedom for a while. That does not help me today. Today my body hurts, I feel compressed and pinned, I want to isolate and disappear and be swallowed up and I am so consumed by stress (not anxiety, strangely) that I cannot let my foot off…
And in writing those last 6 words and reading them on the screen I realized what I am doing. I pushed down on the brake of my car so hard and for so long as I smashed down a highway that my heel was bruised. I tried so hard to stop the crash that could not be stopped that I have stayed that way, foot on the brake, for five years. I am that way now. My body feels like it did while I was bracing myself to die. It hurts.
I don’t know why today. Today isn’t the anniversary, but it’s the date that I’ve had in my head. The 14th will be the 5th anniversary by date, it was on a Monday. Today is the 11th, a Thursday, and it’s in the middle. I had a traumatic breakup (the back story covers four years so just understand that it was a severely traumatic moment) on October 8 or 9 (I can’t even remember things were so blurred at the time) so the 11th is in the middle of the two events that resulted in my PTSD diagnosis. It was too much for me to handle. I had no support. I had no way to talk about it. I just had to keep going. And my body remembers.
But now I know. I don’t quite know what to do about it, but if the first step is to recognize what’s happening and notice how it feels, there are surely more steps to take following that will lead away from what I’m experiencing now so that I don’t have to do it again. I would really like to let my foot off the brake.
It’s not just weight loss.
Some friends asked if I wanted to join them in a few months for a short trip, and invited my boyfriend to join. I’m really looking forward to this, and a lot of the trip will be new to me. I couldn’t get boyfriend to commit to going, so I decided to book my own trip and leave him to join later if he wants.
Living. Making bold decisions. Doing what I enjoy. It’s what I’ve worked so hard to do – go on a trip with friends I know I’ll value for years, and for no better reason than they asked and I want to. So I let my boyfriend know I was going without him, booked my flights, and promptly had a meltdown.
Doing what I want, for me, is a trigger. Living a big life is a trigger. Doing things that hold connection and enjoyment for me is a trigger.
No wonder I stay home and work.
I’ll just add that to the list of neuron paths to reprogram…