I’m home, I’m starting to experience the severe anxiety that usually comes after a work trip, and I am 3 for 3 this week! I had great receptions to both of my project presentations and succeeded in securing the permit my client needed to move forward with their business! It can be so hard to work with PTSD (it can be so hard to do anything with PTSD), and I am certainly in need of some calming and self-care, but I did it!
for kindness, especially kindness toward myself.
are vital to my recovery and well being and are worth my time and energy.
it has only to do with me, and not with anyone else.
I have a Fitbit for feedback. I like to know where my resting heart rate is, I like to know how much I’m moving, I like to know how I sleep, and I count calories. I used to do it obsessively, but I’ve stopped that and now just use it for data. I stopped counting this past weekend when I let my phone battery die. I ate when I was hungry, I rested because that’s what felt good, and when I got home the weather and some chores I wanted to get done didn’t give me the time to go for a walk and get in a little exercise. And that’s ok. My weight is back up a bit, and that’s ok. I listened to my body and gave it what it asked for.
And now it’s asking for something else.
Yesterday started out sleeping a little bit too long and being rushed to get out the door to an appointment. As soon as that was done though, I went back to the routine I wanted, slowed things down, took some time to check in with my schedule, make some plans and decide what was important for this week.
I also decided that I was going to go low calorie through Thursday and start engaging in some small exercise every day, because my body needs balance. I don’t do balance, that has been escaping me my whole life, but I think I am ready to begin balance.
And maybe I have viewed balance as something it’s not – a constant state. I think maybe it’s more acknowledging that things are rocking and responding by doing the things that bring harmony back.
I indulged in food, now I am going to un-indulge.
I’ve avoided exercise, now I am going to practice it.
I’ve ignored unhealthy relationships that called and demanded my time and energy, now I’m being intentional about connecting with people who are meaningful and supportive of me.
I rushed out the door, now I’m taking a few moments to calm and center and drink some tea before I go to the next thing.
It’s a small start, but practice begins with those small starts.
I’ve had a bit of a PTSD relapse this week. If I’m not working I’m in bed, and I’m certainly not bouncing out of bed in the morning.
I what and why, I know my current limitations and how to manage it, I just don’t know yet how to get out of it. Looks like some damage goes deep, and I still have work to do on this trauma.
Good thing I see a therapist! But I’m working out of town this weekend so that’s gonna be a challenge…
Healing from PTSD is not easy, and it’s not a linear process. I would prefer it were, because it’s hard to be making progress and have a setback. It’s like tripping and going face first on the ground when you’re walking and starting to think about speeding up.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety this week. I’ve made so much progress in managing anxiety that I’d forgotten how bad it can be and how exhausting. My therapist checked with me on Monday if I’m still using Xanax? I haven’t touched it this year. But this week I could have, I had such a hard time managing it.
I wiped out today. I slept late, went to see a movie with my mom, got super car sick/ low blood sugar sick on the way home, ate something and went to bed.
Have I mentioned how much I hate keto? My body does not like low carb.
I watched TV for a bit then napped for a few hours until a call woke me up. I ate dinner, then went back to bed, still wiped out. I felt every bit of mentally ill that I am.
I took it for what it was, a reminder to slow down and let my body catch up. A chance to practice self care. A lesson in the benefits of mindfulness and putting myself first. Loving myself and showing myself compassion. New and good things.