100 Days of Healing – Day 6

I slept hard and dreamt again. While I don’t remember much of the dream, I knew very shortly after I woke up what it was about. I was processing having a hidden illness.

I don’t know if it’s because I could realize it or because it was processed, but I don’t feel hung up on having an invisible illness anymore. It doesn’t feel like a burden or weight to have experiences that no one else can see. I don’t feel a need to run around shouting about being broken by trauma, but I also don’t feel my usual aversion to humans in the context of debating whether to hide or reveal my struggles. I simply feel neutral on the topic, and that whatever I choose to hide or reveal is exactly that – my choice.

I’ve made a few steps forward in being regulated – I brushed my teeth and went to bed on time last night. The next step for me is beginning to journal.

I had a post-trauma ritual of recording re-traumatizing experiences as a sort of recorded narrative that served to reinforce the trauma rather than release it. For that reason I have a negative association with journaling. When my therapist suggested I try it, I was not interested until she pointed out that may be something I take back – reclaim as a beneficial thing instead of a negative. I think it’ll help me to sort out the dreams, the slowness and the feeling that only my lowest level cognitive abilities are functioning.

And I am not going to go buy a new journal and go through some ritual of needing a new book and a new pen and nice writing and whatever. I am using the small, blank book the stalker gave me the day I met him in Paris. That day and what happened after made my experience of enjoying myself and attracting energy a liability, and I have not been that person – A PERSON I ENJOYED IMMENSELY – since. Maybe this will help reclaim that too.

Stalked – Get Off My Cyber Ankles

Girl, Bye.

I had another blog. I also had a cyber stalker. He was pretty obsessive about my blog, social media, work, etc. He actually created a fake persona and friended a colleague so he could interact with me. It took 6 months for me to figure out this person was actually a way for him to catfish me. Is that what they call it? It was annoying and frustrating and stole my energy, so I blocked the hell outta him, deleted my blog and put a curse on him (not really, I don’t know how). This is my new blog, my reset, my chance to do me in a new space without someone from the past who has a clinical delusional fantasy about me and who is trying desperately to hang on to my cyber ankles.

Good riddance.

Starting over has its down sides, but also a lot of up sides. I’ve had to start over a few times in life, and I view it as an opportunity. This time is an opportunity to have the blog I want based on some practice. I like it. Onward.

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