Grinding Gears

Whatever gear I’m in, it’s totally mismatched with my engine. There’s an auto-centric analogy for you.

After drowning in angsty anxiety for most of the day yesterday I finally got off my butt and did some work, part of it a request from a non-profit I do pro-bono work for. I knew how to fulfill their request, I just didn’t know if I could, or how long it would take, so I went through the steps of learning how to get the information they needed, attempted it, found an issue with my software license that prevented me from moving forward, put in a request to tech support and updated the requester. I worked long enough to make up for the not working I did all afternoon, then went to bed. Done.

I was hoping to be in a better place mentally, but I’m not, so I have a choice: just keep pounding away at my to-do list and hope that something breaks loose, or do a lot of meditating and yoga and thoughtful walks. I would so much rather pound away at my to-do list, because it somehow seems easier. So I am pretty sure that means the answer is meditation and yoga.

Slow Roll Through My Thoughts

Getting out of bed was too much of an effort this morning, so I didn’t. I alternately slept and meditated, trying to put the things that got misfiled where they belong. I had a dream based on very recent and real experiences, which is unusual for me, and when I finally got up it took me about an hour to make an eat a salad.

I gardened, I wrote a note to a friend with post-partum depression, I did a ten minute yoga video, I returned a work call and I coordinated partnering with another firm for a project proposal.

That was way more productivity than I intended.

I have rushed everything so much for so long that making myself wait to tackle my mountain of to-dos is both challenging and gratifying. Being slow, laying around and thinking and making no intentional moves toward accomplishing anything is…kind of great. I’ve told myself for so long that I couldn’t do this, but it turns out I can. And I am.