I bounced back from this weekend faster than I ever have from a severe PTSD episode, but I still don’t have the momentum and sunny disposition I’ve previously had when whatever it is that flips the switch in my brain does its thing. I’m in vaguely familiar but still uncharted territory, and it’s about as uncomfortable as you might think.
But I have so much to do.
I feel like I’m grinding gears, trying to find the right gear to move forward in and not quite getting there while the engine is working. It’s creating a lot of tension and not helping me focus while I try to balance the forces of energy and find the right fit.
Mostly I want to fight.
I have been busting my ass at work on several challenging projects, and don’t have resolution on any of them yet. I am waiting on responses, waiting on meetings or not yet able to get to the work due to the slew of things on my plate right now. It’s a lot of uncertainty, and it feels like a lot is on the line.
I have a lot of uncertainty with my company right now because job openings keep coming through my email and I’m just not sure that it’s not better to quit what I’m doing and get paid to show up. Right now I show up and don’t always get paid (there’s a lot of boundary setting to do that hasn’t been done the last two years and I am just now able to see and acknowledge that).
I have a lot of uncertainty with relationships right now. I might have to take a break from therapy (thanks, insurance), my family is still sorting ourselves out after a lot of illness and injury and my experience living with PTSD continues to be challenging and limiting. What I want and what I have to work with aren’t matching up right now, and I haven’t managed to break through the barrier and constraints yet.
so sometimes I rush through resolution rather than waiting for better.
I’ve mentioned how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty. So sitting still on a few things last week was really hard. Sitting quietly in a meeting yesterday in which a lot of inaccurate information and misrepresentations were spewed out by a person who will accept no alternative to their uninformed views was hard. Refusing to work further with that person was not nearly as hard as I thought it might be.
But good things happened from sitting still. When I stopped care-taking and controlling what I couldn’t control, a relationship started to strengthen and I started to get what I wanted. When I didn’t have an answer and thought on an issue for a bit, I crafted a much better solution than I had at first. When I was honest with myself about the challenges of sustaining a keto diet on a work trip to a rural area, I prepped accordingly and did just fine. When I focused on what I had to do and did not try to force myself to do anything additional, I was able to assist my grandma through an infusion appointment and continue on to a full work day, and everyone did just fine.
But this will still need some practice.
I’m in the process of separating from my business partner. It’s a process that he isn’t really participating in, which is no real surprise sine he quit participating in work three months ago. It’s been hanging over my head, and while he’s been absent for personal reasons, it’s an absence that neither I nor the business can tolerate.
He had initially agreed to sign things over to me in exchange for his half of the assets, but he has since changed his stance, although he cannot give a time that he will be back to work. After a few unproductive phone conversations I decided to send a letter giving him the option to keep the company or sign it over to me, but either way I cannot continue to be his business partner for a number of reasons that stem from issues that existed prior to his absence, but which have certainly been exacerbated by it.
I have yet to receive a response from him, and I am in the middle of projects that are about to require a great deal of involvement and some travel. There are conference registrations coming up. There is new work that needs to be gotten. And I have no idea how our business divorce is going to go. I am the face of the company and can independently perform our work, so it makes sense (and people close to me argue it’s the “right thing”) for him to take his part and let me continue building the company that arguably would not exist without me. But people don’t always do the right thing, and since he has changed his statements on this, I don’t have a lot of confidence that this is going to be a smooth or quick transition. It could be if I just walked out, but walking out has its own consequences and challenges.
This is a lot of uncertainty, and uncertainty about my livelihood. And I am having to sit with it, because half of it I cannot control, and the half that I can I have done what I can do for now.
I hate uncertainty. Take the normal human response and add PTSD to it and I can experience so many negative effects, because my experience with the negative tends to be magnified. I was at a rodeo last night, and was crying as the women rode in with the rodeo flags. That’s not my normal response, it was a magnified emotional response, but it took me until today to realize that the uncertainty with the future of my company and my work is weighing on me that heavily, and that I am that emotionally disregulated.
But how grateful I am that I can now recognize it for what it is and continue to sit with the uncertainty.
I am kind of resentful. Sometimes a lot resentful.
It come from not having boundaries and being mad that no one observes/respects my non-boundaries. And letting people drain me until there’s nothing left.
I made the statement yesterday that, “I am nothing if not resentful.”
Saying it out loud made me think about it, made me consider it, made think about what I could do instead. Resentment isn’t a good place and it won’t contribute to love, belonging and wholeheartedness.
So that means setting and keeping boundaries, making and following through on choices, more being uncomfortable for a short time to avoid resentment for a long time and better communication.
I’ve been pushing against the walls of the past that confine me, and I’m disappointed, scared and angry that they exist. It’s like I’m struggling to get out of a cocoon or a restrictive jacket, and I haven’t managed to tear my way out yet.
Apparently, this is called Day/Act/Part 2. It’s the middle.
I’m thankful that Brené Brown went first and did the research and self-application that have given me a path to healing. I’m listening to Rising Strong now, and the timing is good. God-thing good. She describes a curriculum in which participants go through an intensive three-day learning process. Day Two – the middle, the part about vulnerability and blame and shame – sucks. And you can’t skip Day Two.
She connects this to the Hero story. Act two is the part in which the Hero tries every easy way around the problem, only to climax at the realization and engagement with the hard truth that there is only way through. Act Two sucks for the Hero. Act Two sucks for us. I am in Act Two, and it sucks. But I can’t skip it. I can’t ignore or skip or evade the discomfort, the struggle and the frustrating constriction, and I’ve come too far to turn back.
But hey, at least I have a name for it and I’m not the only one.