It’s My Birthday!

This seems to be the year that I can process why I hate my birthday so much.

Last night was hell.

My birthday is a trauma anniversary. Eating is a coping mechanism. Work is a coping mechanism. Isolation is a coping mechanism. Ironically, all things that I can’t always avoid…

I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday and napped in between working. I had nothing left, and in therapy I identified that I felt like I didn’t matter to the people close to me and felt alone. I had forgotten that my birthday was used as a weapon against me in previous years, and it took most of the day for me to consciously remember that, and to realize that I was having a rough day because I was anticipating another horrible birthday. Another day that was supposed to be about me on which I was ignored, abused and made to feel like nothing.

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I ran off to the desert this year and thought through how to reclaim my birthday. I was going to make it about me doing for myself this year, about not relying on others to make the day special. My brain had other ideas, and last night was an emotional post-trauma hell. This morning I’m still shaky, still feeling a bit off. The well wishes started before 6 this morning, which I really appreciate. I still can’t connect to them, and I’m still a bit walled off, and still a bit emotional, but I’m much better, and the crazy has subsided.

I understand that sometimes the brain – and this seems to be true for mine – cannot process trauma until it feels safe to do so. My experience with that is as soon as I think I’ve taken a step forward in recovery and made progress, I get rewarded by the baseball bat of trauma memory. Congrats! You’re doing great in recovery! WHACK! It’s so painful and frustrating and…shit. This seems to be the year that I can process why I hate my birthday so much. Maybe that means a better next year? I was able to sit with the pain last night. I still haven’t needed Xanax this year. Yep, I made it through last night without meds to knock me out so I could avoid it. I took the beating, and today I kinda feel like I got that beating.

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I woke up early to a quiet house. No cards, no acknowledgement that it’s my birthday. It’s expected, my family doesn’t make a big deal out of my birthday. I used to be the one to make a big deal out of it, used to make my own cake and organize my celebration, so I can understand why they don’t. And the point for me is to not rely on others for this. Emotionally, it’s still a letdown, but rationally, I enjoy the quiet morning. It’s raining and cold and I’m temped to not even leave the house today. I can work from the comfort and safety of my bed again, and ignore the world for another day. I can nap again if I need to.

Cause, you know, it’s my birthday!

Awesome Blogger Award – Thanks!

Hunida was so kind to tag me for the Awesome Blogger Award! Blogging has been the best gift I have given myself in a long time, and bloggers like Hunida expand my view of the world in ways I deeply appreciate. She also posts some really yummy recipes with reviews, so if you’re looking for new, healthy cooking ideas in 2018, check her out!

Awesome Blogger Award Is:

“This is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”

Created by Miss Maggie @ Dreaming of Guatemala

The Rules Are:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader
  • Answer the questions your nominator gave you
  • Nominate at least 5 awesome bloggers
  • Give your nominees 10 new questions to answer
  • Let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated

Hunida’s Questions:

  1. At what percentage is it time to charge your phone? I start thinking about it at 7%, I’ll get up and plug it in at 3%.
  2. If you could travel anywhere but, it has to be outside of the USA, where would you choose to go? Back to New Zealand! I didn’t see enough of it the first time.
  3. What animal would you choose to keep as a pet? (It would love you and be house-trained.) A sloth…I could probably use more chill in my life.
  4. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be? (They let you choose whatever you want.) Cheese enchiladas with guacamole.
  5. What would your dream kitchen look like? It would be full of friends and food!
  6. What was your favorite meal as a child? Has it changed now that you’re an adult? My grandma let me help make biscuits for breakfast in the morning when we visited her, and I loved it. I still love biscuits, actually…you can do so much with them.
  7. What is your favorite/most used phone app? I almost hate to say this, but Fitbit. I helps me keep track of my water intake, anxiety and how much I’m taking care of myself physically. I like data, and that is me-data.
  8. Are you a multi-tasker? Yes, but I’m not as good at it as I used to be so I’m trying to transition to focusing on one thing at a time.
  9. Do you need noise to fall asleep to or complete silence? If you need noise, what kind? Ceiling fan or it’s a long night for me!
  10. If you could choose; how would you choose to die? Any way I don’t see it coming. I stared death in the face once, and I don’t want to do it again.

My Nominees:

 

I really enjoy y’all’s blogs! Some bloggers do their own thing and I respect that, but if you want to answer some questions, here’s what I’d like to know:

My Questions:

  1. What color eye shadow?
  2. Do you like sandwiches? (If yes, please describe favorite!)
  3. Flats or heels?
  4. How much water do you drink every day, on average?
  5. What is the best coffee you’ve ever had?
  6. How do you feel about the smell of rain?
  7. If there is one blog you think I must follow, which is it?
  8. Corn chips or potato chips?
  9. Number one thing you want to do before summer 2018.
  10. How long have you been blogging?

 

Thanks for being you, keep at it, I appreciate the inspiration, insight and human connection!